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Possibly overheard by a fly in a CBT's office this morning:
Therapist: "Morten, you keep presenting yourself as someone you shouldn't like and as a troublemaker. I was even taken in when you first came to see me, but have now realised it's a fictional character you're comfortable with presenting. You're not like that when you occasionally let your guard down. How about letting the guard down more often?"
Me: "Well, I don't like most people. They're annoying and boring"
Therapist: "Maybe, but the interesting and fun people also get that impression"
Me: "Hmmmm....... You have a point......"
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
26/07/2010
Well, increasingly obvious that I can't control myself. Especially not when alcohol is involved. For some reason I get desperate to fight and cause trouble. A drunk me really is a recipe for trouble. The flipside of becoming who I am is that I am quite an angry person. An uninhibited version of me will fight.
I feel alive. But sometimes a full on version of me is a bit scary. Still adamant that drugs are very bad for you. But why am I angry? I think it's just in my genes. Easily provoked, looking for trouble, wanting to prove my warrior credentials. I don't have a "good" reason for being angry. I am seriously thinking of becoming a monk, and stop interaction with the modern world. But then, celibacy and vegetables isn't really what I'm after. Other times I want to be Rambo, and wage war on society.
I feel alive. But sometimes a full on version of me is a bit scary. Still adamant that drugs are very bad for you. But why am I angry? I think it's just in my genes. Easily provoked, looking for trouble, wanting to prove my warrior credentials. I don't have a "good" reason for being angry. I am seriously thinking of becoming a monk, and stop interaction with the modern world. But then, celibacy and vegetables isn't really what I'm after. Other times I want to be Rambo, and wage war on society.
22/07/2010
I was mentally ill. not at all well. but because it's all in the mind, the mind can sort it out. I still get grumpy, elated and I possess a ferocious temper. But that's OK. As long as I control myself. But.... I can't.... And that's not just part of the fun, it's most of it :)
Monday, 19 July 2010
19/07/2010
Just posted an open letter to a few newspapers. Let's see what (if anything) they have to say:
"Once you realise that you are not like the majority, you can either feel sorry for yourself. Or celebrate. I chose the latter and set up my own website. My name is Morten, I have just launched www.crazylikeyou.com, as dating and social networking site for, well, crazy people. I was getting fed up with the general consensus about mental “illness” and “disease”, as if it is something that should be cured, not embraced. But also with the lack of understanding (was just out of a relationship when I decided to set up this site)
I have officially been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and that was a huge problem. I actually wanted to get cured by whatever means possible. Cue years of drugs, therapy and self hate. The drugs did succeed in calming me down, at the terrible price of never being fully awake. Then, one day, after much reading, writing and therapy (psychology, philosophy etc) AND physical exercise I realised I wasn’t actually ill, just different. And by now, Bipolar is a condition, not a disorder. For me, at least
There is a surge for people to come forward with their mental illnesses, look at the campaign by two of the main meantal health charities, Mind and Rethink, Time to Change. I sincerely hope this campaign helps people come to terms, but I fear that all it will achieve is to tell people “it’s not your fault, we all feel sorry for you”
Thanks to internet tests, I have further self-diagnosed ADHD, OCD and even Asperger’s syndrome…… I no longer describe myself as bipolar, it is someone else’s definition of who I am.
Yes, of course this site is a business venture, and part of this letter is to get mentioned in your paper and get free advertising. But being who I am, it is also very much questioning common wisdom, and giving another perspective. It is a call for people to be honest, open, and not to hide behind self-pity. It is very much inspired by Nietzsche’s saying “you must become who you are”. Once you start putting labels on people, they very easily get stuck
Crazily Yours,
Morten Hansen"
"Once you realise that you are not like the majority, you can either feel sorry for yourself. Or celebrate. I chose the latter and set up my own website. My name is Morten, I have just launched www.crazylikeyou.com, as dating and social networking site for, well, crazy people. I was getting fed up with the general consensus about mental “illness” and “disease”, as if it is something that should be cured, not embraced. But also with the lack of understanding (was just out of a relationship when I decided to set up this site)
I have officially been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and that was a huge problem. I actually wanted to get cured by whatever means possible. Cue years of drugs, therapy and self hate. The drugs did succeed in calming me down, at the terrible price of never being fully awake. Then, one day, after much reading, writing and therapy (psychology, philosophy etc) AND physical exercise I realised I wasn’t actually ill, just different. And by now, Bipolar is a condition, not a disorder. For me, at least
There is a surge for people to come forward with their mental illnesses, look at the campaign by two of the main meantal health charities, Mind and Rethink, Time to Change. I sincerely hope this campaign helps people come to terms, but I fear that all it will achieve is to tell people “it’s not your fault, we all feel sorry for you”
Thanks to internet tests, I have further self-diagnosed ADHD, OCD and even Asperger’s syndrome…… I no longer describe myself as bipolar, it is someone else’s definition of who I am.
Yes, of course this site is a business venture, and part of this letter is to get mentioned in your paper and get free advertising. But being who I am, it is also very much questioning common wisdom, and giving another perspective. It is a call for people to be honest, open, and not to hide behind self-pity. It is very much inspired by Nietzsche’s saying “you must become who you are”. Once you start putting labels on people, they very easily get stuck
Crazily Yours,
Morten Hansen"
Sunday, 18 July 2010
19/07/2010
Lack of mental drugs makes me awake at day, sleep at night, and generally much better physically. So yeah, I get very impossible occasionally, but I also sometimes turn very nice. It feels good to be me again
18/07/2010
Pretty good day playing tourist in the place I've lived in for a couple of years. Once you stop thinking about work, what can be done, and what should be done, your own backyard becomes very nice. It does help that I live in Devon, which is very scenic
18/07/2010
Still completely unconvinced CLY will kick off. But with 310 members in one week, it just might work??? Just need to keep ice in my stomach :)
Monday, 12 July 2010
12/07/2010
Thought I was being particularly brave tonight. Heard banging noises when I parked my car, went to confront the car thieves. Turned out to be a couple of kids jumping around with their skateboards.... See, bravery is difficult to define. I was thinking long and hard about this confrontation, not so much because I was scared to get in a fight (yes, love fighting, sue me), more because I didn't want to look silly. My confidence nearly stopped me seeking out the "problem", but I had a compulsion to do so. I'd much rather be on a battlefield, getting told "see those fellas over there? Axe them!!" than tell someone that what they're doing might be wrong. In a flux. But that's OK.
11/07/2010
Rules are meant to be broken. Which partly explains a MTB trip round Burrator and Princetown. On my official rest day. Hard work after "Killer Loop" yesterday. But f*** does it make the pint of cider at the end taste like nectar!!!
Generally a pretty good day, but I would hate anybody out there to think it has been easy getting here (having good days, I mean, not cycling round and finding your starting point). I keep getting these messages saying things along the line of "you can do that, I can't, I'm not as brave / clever / extreme...."
I'm special. But so are you. And you shouldn't want to be anyone else (least of all me), as you never will be. Love thyself :)
Generally a pretty good day, but I would hate anybody out there to think it has been easy getting here (having good days, I mean, not cycling round and finding your starting point). I keep getting these messages saying things along the line of "you can do that, I can't, I'm not as brave / clever / extreme...."
I'm special. But so are you. And you shouldn't want to be anyone else (least of all me), as you never will be. Love thyself :)
09/07/2010
Keep getting caught out in social situations. People want to know how I am, what I'm doing these days and so on. And of course there's the age old struggle of when to say something of interest. But with most people, it's not a problem, I just want them to disappear. I don't want to engage in those conversations. Only solution: drink, and be drunk!!! Or disappear. I chose the latter tonight. But often I am wrong. Boring people turn put to be nice. Like myself, I suppose
09/07/2010
Peculiar day, mood swings present, but the lows seem more avoidable. Or easier to cope with. Still haven't got a clue whether CLY will work or not, a bit of stress there. But I'm kept pretty busy, which is of course key to a good life for me
05/05/2010
Started reading Nietzsche's "Also Sprach Zarathustra". Seems I like his ideas better than his writing, as I got bored 20 pages in. But that's not a bad thing, I think it's more important to take inspiration and formulate your own ideas, rather than doggedly follow a set doctrine. And I am certain Nietzsche would agree!
04/07/2010
Oooooh, look at this wooden bridge, looks very flammable. And see, someone left some matches :). Better get to the other side, I'm gonna have so much fun!!!
04/07/2010
Morten1: "See, I've got this paint and brush. You see that corner over there - the one furthest away from the door?"
Morten2: "Aye - what about it"
Morten1: "I want you to paint the whole floor. All of it. Use plenty of paint. Important that you end up in that corner!"
Morten2: "Yeah, I can see the purpose of that. Cool"
2 hours later
Morten2: "Hey, how do I get out of here??? Whoops...."
Morten2: "Aye - what about it"
Morten1: "I want you to paint the whole floor. All of it. Use plenty of paint. Important that you end up in that corner!"
Morten2: "Yeah, I can see the purpose of that. Cool"
2 hours later
Morten2: "Hey, how do I get out of here??? Whoops...."
02/07/2010
Just decided to change my diagnosis. I can do that, you know! Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorders are certainly not mutually exclusive, so suppose I can claim both?
From ICD (International Classification of Diseases):
“Personality disorder characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable. There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour.”
From ICD (International Classification of Diseases):
“Personality disorder characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable. There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour.”
01/07/2010
"The brain is just a computer made of meat" - Marvin Minsky.
Whereas I have previously stated that we are but a collection of building blocks, the counterargument to the above is that we have created computers. In our image. And therefore, the natural consequence is the existence of a God. In this case we are God, and we can imbue computers with the powers we want.
What if humans really are artificial intelligence, built by scientists (otherworldly or not)? That is entirely possible. Who knows, the PC I'm writing this on might think it's alive??? The existence of intelligence made out of building blocks (us) proves that it can be created!
Think I just proved that God can technically exist. Whoops.....
Whereas I have previously stated that we are but a collection of building blocks, the counterargument to the above is that we have created computers. In our image. And therefore, the natural consequence is the existence of a God. In this case we are God, and we can imbue computers with the powers we want.
What if humans really are artificial intelligence, built by scientists (otherworldly or not)? That is entirely possible. Who knows, the PC I'm writing this on might think it's alive??? The existence of intelligence made out of building blocks (us) proves that it can be created!
Think I just proved that God can technically exist. Whoops.....
01/07/2010
Mental health discrimination. As readers of this will know, I don't see it quite like that. Is it not the case that I think less of "normal" people. As do a lot of happy bipolars. We wouldn't be without it. We happily quote and hail previous "sufferers". Yes, we are the chosen ones from looking at some comments. It gives us pride and identity. But really, how shallow is it to say that because Van Gogh and Beethoven were bipolar and geniuses, therefore I must be a genius. A stone can't fly. My hamster can't fly. Therefore my hamster is a stone. I don't actually have a hamster, just proving a point...
30/06/2010
On one hand I'm thoroughly scientific. Our being can be explained in a completely binary way as a set of building blocks. Brain, heart, eyes, the clothes we wear etc. All a bunch of molecules randomly thrown together. On the other hand, I'm very random, impulsive, thoughtful and most of all emotional. Those sets of thoughts are pretty much mutually exclusive, but hey. I suppose that is why I'm me. Don't try and make sense of me. You'll fail :)
30/06/2010
Again, an interesting day with the therapist. She was probing regarding last week's session, where I unbeknownst to myself put up a quite severe guard when she started talking about relationships. Bear in mind this is a professional (and in my opinion very capable), so I definitely acknowledge what she says. Also, she probably knows more of my quirks than just about anybody. So if she's struggling to get through to me, I can only guess how hard it is for "normal" people..... And why it is so difficult for me to cope in social situations
23/06/2010
Just read about John Travolta's psychiatric drug stance. As much as I dislike Scientology's manipulative ways and utter nonsense, on their point I agree. Been on more drugs I can remember, and all made me tired, constrained and, well, not me.
I think they can help a lot of people, in particular unipolar depressives, but I'm one of those guys who tried to fit in. And eventually realised I'd just rather be me. Which is also why I don't agree with the term "disorder".
I generally think drug companies have a lot to answer for. Being diabetic, I've come to the conclusion this disease would have been cured long ago if it wasn't for these companies' vested interests....
I'm on a mission here. According to me, the placebo effect is more efficient that any researched drugs. Nobody knows what causes bipolar "disorder". No bloody wonder, it's a made up condition. According to a university study (forgot which), people who are diagnosed with this have 30% higher traffic between brain cells. So, hey, let's call it a disease. And get funding. And sell drugs
I think they can help a lot of people, in particular unipolar depressives, but I'm one of those guys who tried to fit in. And eventually realised I'd just rather be me. Which is also why I don't agree with the term "disorder".
I generally think drug companies have a lot to answer for. Being diabetic, I've come to the conclusion this disease would have been cured long ago if it wasn't for these companies' vested interests....
I'm on a mission here. According to me, the placebo effect is more efficient that any researched drugs. Nobody knows what causes bipolar "disorder". No bloody wonder, it's a made up condition. According to a university study (forgot which), people who are diagnosed with this have 30% higher traffic between brain cells. So, hey, let's call it a disease. And get funding. And sell drugs
21/06/2010
Got discharged from the NHS "Team Mental", my psychiatrist was pleased with my progress. I'll miss her though, one of the very few people who's clever enough to penetrate my guard without too much trouble. Did challenge her a bit, just for old times sake. When I said I don't think I have an illness, she was suggesting denial. I replied on the contrary, I'm just comfortable with it. It really isn't a disease, it's life.
18/06/2010
OK, time for the big revelation about the meaning of life. The problem is the word "meaning". Why are we trying to attach meaning to anything? The operative word should be joy and happiness. And that doesn't just go for something as intangible as what we've made life (which is basically just anything with a pulse). Look at love, physical activity, great pieces of art and fantastic inventions. There is really no point to any of it. I came to this realisation because I keep getting myself beat up in Kung Fu, and having to "justify" the "meaning" of that to everybody. There isn't any - but it's great fun :)
17/06/2010
Had a sports massage yesterday, when I suddenly froze, got pale and then combusted (not literally). Could have been hypoglycaemia, but it wasn't. Only explanation is really the sudden stop of Sodium Valproate. Would have been very unpleasant, if I wasn't so used to those hypos.....
15/06/2010
I think I'm deliberately tiring my body out, so I haven't got energy to think too much. It somehow seems to work. Some people find 3-4 hours exercise 6 days a week extreme, and my body agrees with them. But I'm sure that to stay in control of my mind, it's the right thing to do. A healthy mind in a knackered (but strong) body? Why not?
14/06/2010
I think that maybe if you stop being confused, you stop living. What's life, but trying to make sense? There's always a new challenge / confusion around the corner. Unless you're ignorant. And I'm not :)
12/06/2010
Mentally pretty good. Physically knackered, sleep is a real problem. That happened last time I dropped the drugs. But the body will get used to it, like it will get used to my new exercise regime
10/06/2010
Getting fed up with how trendy it is to have mental illnesses. Most people who nowadays are just slightly depressed all of a sudden think they should declare they're mentally ill. Not helped by all the do-gooders wanting to fight the stigma of mental illnesses (what stigma???). I have always spoken for personal responsibility (the existentialist in me), don't fall back on thinking you can't help it. Take control. I know how hard it is, but it's true. Also, these people dilute the help for proper "sufferers". I know this is very controversial, and may even seem a bit snobbish (like, ha, I'm proper crazy, you're not crazy enough). But that's the way I feel. And I spent 4 weeks in a mental hospital not long ago, so I know what proper nutcases are like
09/06/2010
Life is open now. Not constrained. Within the next 24 hours I WILL be miserable and stuff. But it's worth it for feeling like this. In control!
08/06/2010
Can feel the effect of stopping the Valproate. Far bouncier, but with my rapid cycle, will have to watch the downfalls. Talked to my psychiatrist about it, she said I was an impossible patient. But I took that as a compliment. She acknowledges I know far too much to let her change my mind, and that my self-awareness makes it more possible to work. Still arranged an appointment, though
07/06/2010
Feel tired - but awake, if that makes sense? Physically tired, as my sleep patterns are still all over the place, but more alert. Of course, one should remember the placebo effect works both ways, so if I decide a drug makes me tired, it will.
05/06/2010
Gone off the meds - why would I want to be a well behaved zombie? Disclaimer to all you other other crazy ones reading this - don't try this at home :)
Remember - this is good for us (Valproate in UK, Depakote in US):
Abdominal or stomach cramps; diarrhoea; hair loss; indigestion; loss of appetite; nausea and vomiting; trembling of hands and arms; unusual weight loss or gain; Clumsiness or unsteadiness; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; headache; skin rash; unusual excitement, restlessness, or irritability; behavioral, mood, or mental changes; increase in seizures; loss of appetite; nausea or vomiting (continuing); spots before eyes; swelling of face; tiredness and weakness; unusual bleeding or bruising; yellow eyes or skin
Above all, though - tiredness and zombification
Remember - this is good for us (Valproate in UK, Depakote in US):
Abdominal or stomach cramps; diarrhoea; hair loss; indigestion; loss of appetite; nausea and vomiting; trembling of hands and arms; unusual weight loss or gain; Clumsiness or unsteadiness; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; headache; skin rash; unusual excitement, restlessness, or irritability; behavioral, mood, or mental changes; increase in seizures; loss of appetite; nausea or vomiting (continuing); spots before eyes; swelling of face; tiredness and weakness; unusual bleeding or bruising; yellow eyes or skin
Above all, though - tiredness and zombification
04/06/2010
Come to the conclusion that I've irrevocably lost my mind. Just have to deal with that now. Should be fun :)
02/06/2010
"Bipolar Disorder comes from forcing yourself to behave in artificial ways, (often fueled by your desire to "fit in"), instead of just letting go of "shoulds" and just being you." Or, as Nietzsche would put it: Become who you are. It's not a disorder. I'm not ill. I just don't fit in
02/06/2010
I'm in good company, some of my favourite composers, writers etc. with bipolar:
Hans Christian Andersen
Mark Twain
Charles Dickens
Robert Louis Stevenson
Piotr Tchaikovsky
Gustav Mahler
Modest Mussorgsky
Sergey Rachmaninoff
Edgar Allan Poe
Vincent van Gogh
Edwin Landseer
But I'm still me. Just because some bipolars were geniuses, doesn't mean I am (I am, but that's beside the point :)). And also - they may be extraordinarily gifted, but were they happy?
I find it a contradiction in terms to compare myself to the great (and also the not-so-great), as my ultimate purpose is to find myself, and live according to me.
Hans Christian Andersen
Mark Twain
Charles Dickens
Robert Louis Stevenson
Piotr Tchaikovsky
Gustav Mahler
Modest Mussorgsky
Sergey Rachmaninoff
Edgar Allan Poe
Vincent van Gogh
Edwin Landseer
But I'm still me. Just because some bipolars were geniuses, doesn't mean I am (I am, but that's beside the point :)). And also - they may be extraordinarily gifted, but were they happy?
I find it a contradiction in terms to compare myself to the great (and also the not-so-great), as my ultimate purpose is to find myself, and live according to me.
02/06/2010
And if I do decide to go off drugs, I found this very helpful "bipolar safety sheet". It will be dangerous, but I can't bear feeling trapped! I will discuss it with other people first
01/06/2010
Another tired day. Feel OK, but constantly sleepy. I am increasingly getting disenfranchised with drugs, and will start to look into other things. Therapy is a winner, I'm sure, but it'd be irresponsible and stupid to just drop the drugs.
01/06/2010
OK, I'm pretty good. Need to spend more time doing sensible things, but unless you're a teacher, nurse or something like that, you can't really spend too long in the same job! Might make a fortune, and go back to university
30/05/2010
Had a busy day at work. And found it invigorating. A huge part of my problem is my lack of focus and goals, if I'm busy I'm usually happy enough
29/05/2010
At the stage where I want to get rid of the drugs, but I think I owe it to other people (if not myself) to stick with it for a while. But I am investigating founding my own nation for deranged people like myself, who can do what we want :)
29/05/2010
Can I not just proclaim myself a tortured genius, and quit society? It seemed to work for Nietzsche
To be fair, it didn't really work that well for good old Nietzsche. Spent the last 10 years of his life as an insane recluse
To be fair, it didn't really work that well for good old Nietzsche. Spent the last 10 years of his life as an insane recluse
28/05/2010
I feel lonely. I was adament i would not make the same mistakes again. Been through the same cycle time after time and will probably do the same again. I always think it's gonna be different. Moving to devon, now moving to Exeter. New relationships. But I make the same mistakes. Like it's been ingrained and I can't escape.
27/05/2010
Had a couple of grand ideas last night. One was to bash a mirror, another was to grab an axe from the shed, run across to the neighbour's garden and start chopping down trees. Not that I have an issue with the trees, it just seemed like a really good idea at the time. I would say fortunately I only acted on one of the impulses (yep, another 7 years of bad luck), but it was a close call. Felling trees in the dark and rain in someone else's garden was tempting. And that's me ON drugs.....
26/05/2010
I'm so drugged up I'm nearly normal now. But normal is boring. What a conundrum. Is pursuing a settled life useful for me? I miss the highs (NOT the lows). But of course the highs are proportional to the lows. What is the solution???
26/05/2010
Want to ditch all my medication to feel alive and awake again. Just have to remember what happened last time I did that..... And what the hell is the point in antidepressants if they make you feel tired? I get depressed when tired!!!
25/05/2010
Maybe it is true that mental health is just an "excuse" for people who don't function properly. I have always postulated that I would never use mine as an excuse, but is that true? It would be a sad world where people don't take responsibility for their actions, instead claiming they can't help it, and society should have looked after them. Not quite sure how to formulate this. Maybe I'm just a bit disillusioned with self-help groups and people jumping on the crazy bandwagon? And what constitutes madness anyway? As I said at the very beginning, I seem pretty normal, if edgy and arrogant, to people who don't know me. I don't (often) run around the street screaming. Mine's mainly internal. Does that count?
25/05/2010
Wonder how much I cost the NHS, with my expensive insulin, mood stabilisers and anti-depressants. Not to mention the mental health teams and psychiatrist. If Nick'n'Dave find out, they'll probably send MI5 out to get me....
23/05/2010
Duloxetine (Cymbalta). Been on it for a month and a bit, and don't like it. Makes me tired, fat and wrecks my sleep patterns. Seeing the shrink tomorrow, gonna ask for some NRI medication. Wonder what she'll think.... Probably that I'm a smart-arse telling her what I need :)
22/05/2010
I feel more polarised - the more I know what I want, the less I want to communicate with "normal" people. They just aren't worthy of my time. However, I'm digging a hole for myself here, as that includes anyone I don't know. And I do want to make new friends.
On a medical note, my new drugs make me tired. I will have to change before I decide it'd be better without them. I'm heavily drugged just now, and it makes me bearable. But I want to be free from drugs. It isn't an option, unfortunately, unless I join scientology. And, erm, no!
On a medical note, my new drugs make me tired. I will have to change before I decide it'd be better without them. I'm heavily drugged just now, and it makes me bearable. But I want to be free from drugs. It isn't an option, unfortunately, unless I join scientology. And, erm, no!
22/05/2010
I'm on a mission to see how many mental health issues I can claim. So far I've got bipolar, Asperger's and psychosis (yes, really... Find the right test, you'll get diagnosed with anything)
Yeah, I scored a cool 59 out of 60 on Bipolar :). But whereas these tests are interesting, they're not exactly helpful. With this array of issues going on, I think I could be excused if I just gave up as a lost cause. It takes someone of my stubbornness not to do that
Yeah, I scored a cool 59 out of 60 on Bipolar :). But whereas these tests are interesting, they're not exactly helpful. With this array of issues going on, I think I could be excused if I just gave up as a lost cause. It takes someone of my stubbornness not to do that
19/05/2010
Let's talk about Asperger's syndrome. From Wikipedia:
"The lack of demonstrated empathy is the most dysfunctional aspect of AS. Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity. For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions. This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive."
I have hereby self-diagnosed myself (again) :). Even if it's a mild form of the condition, I really have very little time for most of my fellow species. But I'm very passionate about the things I do enjoy, and the friends I do have.
The plot thickens - scored 135 in this, which means "You are very likely an Aspie" Love that term... Are you: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php?
"The lack of demonstrated empathy is the most dysfunctional aspect of AS. Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity. For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions. This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive."
I have hereby self-diagnosed myself (again) :). Even if it's a mild form of the condition, I really have very little time for most of my fellow species. But I'm very passionate about the things I do enjoy, and the friends I do have.
The plot thickens - scored 135 in this, which means "You are very likely an Aspie" Love that term... Are you: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php?
18/05/2010
I'm quite often a lonely guy. I have to take responsibility for that, as I prefer my own company to at least 95% of people. I hate small talk, and inane questions such as "how are you?" from someone I don't know. I will judge you within a few minutes, and that judgement will prevail in nearly all cases.
I don't know whether that's a bad thing. It would be great if I could enjoy more people's company (in the same way that it'd be great if I liked broccoli - apparently it's good for you...) But I just don't. Most people bore me, and I wouldn't miss them if they disappeared. Harsh, maybe, but true. Life is too short to spend with boring people. So for anyone spending time with me, you've obviously passed the test :)
I think that most good things get you into trouble to begin with - until you learn it's not trouble, it's just the way things are. So my honesty always gets me into trouble, and keeps spoiling relationships ("does my bum look big in this?" "erm, yeah, massive...").
But what I (and you) see as honesty is what other people see as arrogance and insensitivity. The next topic I will tackle here will be Asperger's syndrome, I've been told more than once I show signs of this.... Watch this space :)
Whoops, down to 80 FB mateys..... Just deleted half my friends, but I'm just practising what I preach. If I'm not interested in them, and they're not interested in me, why be friends? Even if it's only online?
I don't know whether that's a bad thing. It would be great if I could enjoy more people's company (in the same way that it'd be great if I liked broccoli - apparently it's good for you...) But I just don't. Most people bore me, and I wouldn't miss them if they disappeared. Harsh, maybe, but true. Life is too short to spend with boring people. So for anyone spending time with me, you've obviously passed the test :)
I think that most good things get you into trouble to begin with - until you learn it's not trouble, it's just the way things are. So my honesty always gets me into trouble, and keeps spoiling relationships ("does my bum look big in this?" "erm, yeah, massive...").
But what I (and you) see as honesty is what other people see as arrogance and insensitivity. The next topic I will tackle here will be Asperger's syndrome, I've been told more than once I show signs of this.... Watch this space :)
Whoops, down to 80 FB mateys..... Just deleted half my friends, but I'm just practising what I preach. If I'm not interested in them, and they're not interested in me, why be friends? Even if it's only online?
18/05/2010
I'm clearly not OK. Am I happy? Sort of. Or am I? Random seems to rule just now. See, someone, somewhere will read this. My enlightenment is just a low energy bulb so far
18/05/2010
Can physical and mental depression be distinguished? I fell OK in my head, but lethargic in my body. This can largely be explained by my random insomnia and the quite serious amount of drugs I'm taking. Of course, even if you do separate them, as I try, they'll feed each other. Bastards.
16/05/2010
How do emotions exist when we're made up from purely physical building blocks. Of course, that means that bipolars, mass murderers and autistic people had their Lego bricks placed slightly differently.
What I'm getting at is that the human body is entirely tangible, the brain included, so what makes us irrational? In theory, depending on your construction, any outcome of any situation can be predicted. The old answer is to keep us alive, from escaping a bear because of fear. Love can be explained rationally as well, as you want someone to look after you when you're old.
Antonio Damasio, brain researcher, says: “Emotions are not the intangible and vaporous qualities that many presume them to be. Brain systems work together to give us emotions just as they do with sight and smell.” I disagree. Discuss!
What I'm getting at is that the human body is entirely tangible, the brain included, so what makes us irrational? In theory, depending on your construction, any outcome of any situation can be predicted. The old answer is to keep us alive, from escaping a bear because of fear. Love can be explained rationally as well, as you want someone to look after you when you're old.
Antonio Damasio, brain researcher, says: “Emotions are not the intangible and vaporous qualities that many presume them to be. Brain systems work together to give us emotions just as they do with sight and smell.” I disagree. Discuss!
14/05/2010
How can it be that the more one tries to relax, the more difficult it becomes? I didn't actually eat any books in the end, but nearly ran several people off the road....
14/05/2010
Angry and itching for a fight.... All my buddhist text books can f*** off, I'll eat them and spit them out. Just goes to show that even if you technically agree with something, doesn't always make it right for you
12/05/2010
In a rush - for what? Need to refocus, not that I sort of found myself, I need to put less emphasis on philosophical musings, and actually do something about it. Not sure where this will lead me, but maybe I should just sit back and relax a bit? But I can't. Again, one solution seems to bring its own problems.
11/05/2010
My input here is directly proportional to my mood. When I'm in full flow, I'm at either end of the spectrum. Right now I'm neither here nor there, and it is actually a bit frustrating to be "normal"
09/05/2010
Well....... Ok.... Good news - managed to find the meaning of life. Bad news - can't share it with you. You need to find it yourself. Not easy, but it is there, so keep looking
08/05/2010
I think I've read and commented more than an entire university. Maybe I'll just sit down with a fiction novel and a glass of wine :)
07/05/2010
Confused, random, incomprehensible and challenging. Think that describes both me and the election :)
05/05/2010
Unsurprisingly, a visit to my therapist calmed me down. Just by talking about things. A timely reminder that I'm am far from "salvaged"
04/05/2010
Mental health and martial arts. I have been training Western style kick-boxing for a while now (just switched to Sanshou Kung Fu, Chinese style kick boxing). In the beginning it was to able to kick arse, and for physical benefit. I am a reasonably strong and fit guy, so would be able to handle myself in most situations. I guess trying to be better than others and my general competitiveness means that this is still the case. But these days, I also appreciate the philosophy behind it. But let me into a ring, and I'll thirst for blood, which in many cases makes me a worse fighter. So yeah, martial arts can help, I just need to appreciate the self control aspect a lot more. Enter "Pushing Hands", an internal martial arts. Like a hardcore Tai Chi, it may just prove the perfect foil for my aggression?
04/05/2010
Now, what do I want from relationships? I have discussed this on previous occasions, but want to broaden the scope to in clude friends and family, not just girlfriends. I've never been interested in small talk, conversations have to take place on my level. Which I arrogantly believe is higher than most other's. But as my mum tells me constantly, you often need to engage in small talk before the conversation becomes interesting. I have never had a lot of friends, down to my shyness, but also because I blank people I don't find interesting. I easily gett annoyed with people, and actively avaoid them, so they don't start talking boring stuff to me. I engage with very few. New goal, which I've tried before without success, is to be interested in less interesting people. Which is a bigger challenge for me than climbing Mount Everest! But here goes
02/05/2010
Embracing the inner child. A recurring theme in all the material I'm reading. The one who was left behind, and tries to come to the forefront in daily life, and is a source of dissatisfaction. Not going into detail here, check out wikipedia and John Bradshaw.
However, must be careful about myself pre-enlightenment, i.e. not ignore or leave behind what is very much still part of me.
However, must be careful about myself pre-enlightenment, i.e. not ignore or leave behind what is very much still part of me.
02/05/2010
A wee update, not much news. Which is fine, really. Just forcing myself to comment here every day, for better and for worse. A bit lethargic, feel I should be exercising, but can't be bothered. But MTBing tomorrow, and KFing Tues, Thurs and Friday so not a huge disaster.
01/05/2010
Remember.... When I'm fully "functional", I can come across as arrogant and condescending as hell. I'm not really.
30/04/2010
Am I the only one who thinks that self-pity is the most debilitating factor of mental health? All the talk about ending stigma and offer support is well and good, but I fear it creates an atmosphere of "oh, I can't help it anyway". All the support I've received has been appreciated, but until I took charge of the situation, it was pretty useless. You exist. You decide your destiny. If you consider your state to be a disease that can be fixed, you're stuck! Embrace it, and seek the appropriate therapy and meds! Rant over :)
30/04/2010
A new theory.... Sodium Valproate (which I'm on) is used to treat both bipolar and epilepsy. Makes sense, in a way - if you see an epileptic fit, it looks a bit like how my mind works...... Maybe epilepsy is external bipolar?
29/04/2010
"If you don't have garbage, you have nothing to use in order to make compost. And if you have no compost, you have nothing to flourish the flower inside you" Buddhist wisdom
"I've broken a LOT of eggs, but damn, that omelette looks good" Morten wisdom
"I've broken a LOT of eggs, but damn, that omelette looks good" Morten wisdom
29/04/2010
Just had a long chat with a fellow bipolar (friends through bipolar badge of honour, funnily enough) - great to talk to someone who feels the same, and don't have to understand the condition! We look too sane to the general public to be understood, I suppose. But then, don't want to be condescended, so that's fine with me!
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
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Diabetes and Mental Health
There is one thing I haven't mentioned at all, which can be pretty significant. I'm type 1 diabetic as well (since I was 2), and whereas that's a physical disease, the onset of hypoglycemia can cause extreme problems mentally. I've previously mentioned psychotic episodes, both were under the influence of low blood sugar.
Well.... I'm generally happy with bipolar, but would give my right arm for a diabetes cure! Would like to post a link - but it's very unexplored. Seems most articles are about how hypos resemble mental illnesses (I'd say learning disability), not that they actually trigger severe mood swings and psychosis. Hmmmm..... Another thing I should look into. I can't be the only one!
And time for a little rant: don't EVER call diabetes a lifestyle disease. I didn't choose it, and it has nearly killed me on several occasions. And I'm in significantly better physical shape than most non-sufferers!
Well.... I'm generally happy with bipolar, but would give my right arm for a diabetes cure! Would like to post a link - but it's very unexplored. Seems most articles are about how hypos resemble mental illnesses (I'd say learning disability), not that they actually trigger severe mood swings and psychosis. Hmmmm..... Another thing I should look into. I can't be the only one!
And time for a little rant: don't EVER call diabetes a lifestyle disease. I didn't choose it, and it has nearly killed me on several occasions. And I'm in significantly better physical shape than most non-sufferers!
Monday 26/04
Pretty good day, until I nearly poisoned myself with extremely strong chilli. Should have paid attention to the warning label....
3 good things:
1. Wrote a 6 page business plan for my new venture
2. Had a blast MTBing at Haldon
3. I think I've finally started liking myself
3 good things:
1. Wrote a 6 page business plan for my new venture
2. Had a blast MTBing at Haldon
3. I think I've finally started liking myself
Sunday 25/04
Thought I wanted to be in a relationship. But I'm also glad being single. Go figure..... Bipolar disorder anyone?
Enneagram and relationships:
"Fours long for an ideal mate or partner. They will often project this role onto new acquaintances, idealizing them and fantasizing about the wonderful life they will have together. Unfortunately, as Fours get to know the person better, they become disenchanted, realizing that the other is not the "good parent" who will rescue them from all their problems. He or she is just another human being with flaws and shortcomings. The other’s "blemishes" soon become the focus of the Four’s attention, and they lose interest in the person. Before long they are back to their search and fantasizing again, but generally with less hope of finding the person "of their dreams.""
Yes, guilt as charged.....
Like Groucho Marx said: "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER". Move on to a bigger challenge, eh? Not very sustainable.....
Enneagram and relationships:
"Fours long for an ideal mate or partner. They will often project this role onto new acquaintances, idealizing them and fantasizing about the wonderful life they will have together. Unfortunately, as Fours get to know the person better, they become disenchanted, realizing that the other is not the "good parent" who will rescue them from all their problems. He or she is just another human being with flaws and shortcomings. The other’s "blemishes" soon become the focus of the Four’s attention, and they lose interest in the person. Before long they are back to their search and fantasizing again, but generally with less hope of finding the person "of their dreams.""
Yes, guilt as charged.....
Like Groucho Marx said: "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER". Move on to a bigger challenge, eh? Not very sustainable.....
Sunday 25/04
Whilst I generally disagree with being put in a box, the Enneagram theory seems to successfully divide us humans into nine groups. There are of course overlaps, but my description is so spot on it's scary. I suppose it's all about how certain character traits triggers certain behaviours. Have a look, it's very interesting. Does this look familiar to anyone who knows me? And this Enneagram isn't a new fad, it's been promoted by Plato, Socrates and others. If you're trying to find youself, there are a lot worse places to start!
Saturday 24/04
I don't want to be cured. I don't want to follow society's rules of conformity. I'm me, and I'm proud of it. Of course, need to try to be less of a tw** to other people - so to anyone who reads this, let me know if I am. Do to others as you want done to yourself. Thanks Jesus :). I'm not religious of course, but religion is just like a coarse life philosophy, so there's a lot of good stuff there
Friday 23/04
Ok, I've set the wheels in motion! Let's look at this in six months. I'll be the one driving the Ferrari. I need to sustain my flashes of brilliance
Friday 23/04
Jung said you have to appriciate yourself before you can appreciate others. Of course, that also means before they appreciate me. Well, now I appreciate me, so bring on the world!
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Life is still (always) good. I have so much going for me, just need to keep myself alive now. Still not suicidal, but taking risks is so exciting. Could I ever live with a "sane" person? More to the point, could she ever live with me? Probably not. Am I alone thinking this? Probably not. This realisation may lead to something significant. I'll keep you posted
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Read in reverse!
Ok, this blog was actually started on Facebook, so what I post goes back to 17th March. All this didn't happen in one go! From now on it'll be updated daily here.
Feel pretty well generally. Now, how to do this for a sustained period? Really not sure. My therapists are happy with me, the drugs are working fine so far, my new Kung Fu classes seems very good and hopefully at least one of my many projects will pick up. That bloody volcane has caused a few problems, but since there ...is absolutely bugger all I can do about it, it doesn't worry me
Thursday 15/04
People who are close to me can still make me explode immediately (despite not trying to). Anger management is next on the agenda. Just got to realise people no longer understand me as well as I understand myself. I expect to be understood by anyone reading this, but it was never going to be that easy. Outside of face / philosophy books, the anger still rages. Just takes a spark to set it alight. Anger is a drug as well, once you're rolling, it's nearly impossible to stop. It’s powerful.
Wednesday 14/04
1. Got all the Edgemoor work done, nothing outstanding
2. Sorted out the "whisky Problem"
3. Tidied my desk (sort of)
4. Going kickboxing. Woohoo
2. Sorted out the "whisky Problem"
3. Tidied my desk (sort of)
4. Going kickboxing. Woohoo
Wednesday 14/04
I once upon a time studied philosophy at university. Back then it was interesting. Now it makes sense.
Wednesday 14/04
Sometimes, no, all the time I think about my reasons for doing this, trying to get better. Is it so I can prove it to myself? To the world and be admired? Be a big philanthropist who can help others in the same situation? To get my own back against those I feel have slighted me (or even to prove to those I have done wrong that I'm pretty good despite all)? Or just to live a peaceful happy existence?
The answer is of course all of the above. Some of them are objectionable, but all designed to make me happy with who I am. But the "revenge" aspect worries me. It is still prevalent. As is my anger. And as much as the great philosophers and Dizzee Rascal concur with me, it is in real life the tests will come.
The answer is of course all of the above. Some of them are objectionable, but all designed to make me happy with who I am. But the "revenge" aspect worries me. It is still prevalent. As is my anger. And as much as the great philosophers and Dizzee Rascal concur with me, it is in real life the tests will come.
Wednesday 14/04
Hardly any sleep, grumpy, tired, miserable. Let's call it a case of two steps forward, and one back. Still get fits of jealousy, resentment, hatred of things that are now entirely irrelevant. And want to prove to certain people that they don't deserve me (an aspect of revenge?). Nearly entirely unhelpful thoughts, but they create part of me, so I must accept them, and use the energy they create. Suppose Rome is still being built???
Wednesday 14/04
Hardly any sleep, grumpy, tired, miserable. Let's call it a case of two steps forward, and one back. Still get fits of jealousy, resentment, hatred of things that are now entirely irrelevant. And want to prove to certain people that they don't deserve me (an aspect of revenge?). Nearly entirely unhelpful thoughts, but they create part of me, so I must accept them, and use the energy they create. Suppose Rome is still being built???
Tuesday 13/04
Tuesday 13/04
Next in line: Carl Jung
-Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.
-Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.
-Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.
-The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.
-The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
-As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
-There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotions.
-A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.
-Great talents are the most lovely and often the most dangerous fruits on the tree of humanity. They hang upon the most slender twigs that are easily snapped off.
-In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.
-It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.
-Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
-Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.
-Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
-Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-Shrinking away from death is something unhealthy and abnormal which robs the second half of life of its purpose.
-The debt we owe to the play of imagination is incalculable.
-The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.
-The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong.
-The word “happiness” would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
-There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
-We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
-Who has fully realized that history is not contained in thick books but lives in our very blood?
-Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Next in line: Carl Jung
-Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.
-Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.
-Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.
-The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.
-The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
-As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
-There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotions.
-A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.
-Great talents are the most lovely and often the most dangerous fruits on the tree of humanity. They hang upon the most slender twigs that are easily snapped off.
-In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.
-It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.
-Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
-Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.
-Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
-Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-Shrinking away from death is something unhealthy and abnormal which robs the second half of life of its purpose.
-The debt we owe to the play of imagination is incalculable.
-The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.
-The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong.
-The word “happiness” would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
-There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
-We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
-Who has fully realized that history is not contained in thick books but lives in our very blood?
-Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Monday 12/04
So far I have quoted Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Sartre, Buddha and other great philosophers. Next up is, erm.... Dizzee Rascal:
"Some people think I'm bonkers
But I just think I'm free
Man, I'm just living my life"
So going a few days back, and thinking that you shouldn't combat anger with more anger. Being at war is destructive. I must make peace with myself. I have been fighting myself (and anyone who got in the firing line) forever. I am who I am. Fundamentally that will never change. So, thanks Buddha and Dizzee.
"Some people think I'm bonkers
But I just think I'm free
Man, I'm just living my life"
So going a few days back, and thinking that you shouldn't combat anger with more anger. Being at war is destructive. I must make peace with myself. I have been fighting myself (and anyone who got in the firing line) forever. I am who I am. Fundamentally that will never change. So, thanks Buddha and Dizzee.
Monday 12/04
1. Pretty good job interview. I either scared them, or made them think they can't live without me. Par for the course, then :)
2. A day of physical work, laying the foundation for our new gazebo
3. Out MTBing!!!! Woohoo
2. A day of physical work, laying the foundation for our new gazebo
3. Out MTBing!!!! Woohoo
Sunday 11/04
Getting bogged down in philosophy and metaphysics? For now, yeah, but I need a better understanding of myself, something tangible, before taking my leap of faith. Once again, thanks Kierkegaard :). Funny how us Danes can agree on certain things.... Last week - religion. This week - existentialism. Never - predictable
Sunday 11/04
Kierkegaard described angst as unfocused fear. When a man looks over the edge of a cliff or building, a focused fear of falling is experienced, but at the same time, so is the terrifying impulse to throw oneself intentionally off the edge. That experience is dreadful because of our complete freedom to choose to either... throw oneself off or to stay put. The mere fact that one has the possibility and freedom to do something, even the most terrifying of possibilities, triggers immense feelings of dread. This is our "dizziness of freedom".
Sunday 11/04
"Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components. These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry. Anxiety is a generalized mood condition that can often occur... without an identifiable triggering stimulus. As such, it is distinguished from fear, which occurs in the presence of an observed threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviours of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats that are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable."
Sunday 11/04
Today's first lesson: don't combat anger with yet more hatred and self loathing, transform it with wisdom and compassion.
Saturday 10/04
Ok, 3 happy thoughts:
1. Was busy most of the day, and actually did some decent work
2. Managed to fit in a weights session
3. Erm.... Remembered my dad's birthday? :)
4. Generally calm day, not much in the way of mood swings. Very unusual. In theory, my sodium valproate should start working around now
5. Been nice and charming to every single customer today. Now, that's probably a first???
1. Was busy most of the day, and actually did some decent work
2. Managed to fit in a weights session
3. Erm.... Remembered my dad's birthday? :)
4. Generally calm day, not much in the way of mood swings. Very unusual. In theory, my sodium valproate should start working around now
5. Been nice and charming to every single customer today. Now, that's probably a first???
Saturday 10/04
Is naming your extremes a step towards recovery? I mean, "Mr Crazy" and "Mr Pathetic"? Maybe I should start a new run of Mr Men books for the clinically insane? "One day, as Mr Paranoid Schizophrenic was murdering his alleged alien neighbours, Little Miss Social Anxiety Disorder decided to build a new cave". Yeah, that sort of thing. Could be a winner?
Friday 09/03
I can now physically grab hold of angry thoughts and things that piss me off. And throw them away. Well, maybe not physically, that'd be dangerous to whomever I threw them at...... But it feels like it.
Friday 09/03
Good things!!!
1. Didn't climb the neighbour's tree, even if it was very tempting!!!
2. Didn't get pissed at Exeter Food Fair
3. Made a clean cut with PUMA, ready for a new challenge
1. Didn't climb the neighbour's tree, even if it was very tempting!!!
2. Didn't get pissed at Exeter Food Fair
3. Made a clean cut with PUMA, ready for a new challenge
Friday 09/03
Mr Crazy is telling me to climb the 100ft tree across the road. And hell, do I want to.... Restraint, moderation and sensibility..... Got to remember before it's too late. I'm not a monkey....
Friday 09/03
Funny this.... Had a great day, people like me, everything is going well. All I can think of is self-destruction. Beating myself up. Again, funny, won't do it mentally now. Too aware. So trying physically. Would rip my skin off if I could, but some voice deep down says no. Extremely agitated. In a very destructive mood. Going for a run. Into some stone walls.
Thursday 09/03
Increasingly get the feeling I'm not just two, but three persons, vying for control of my mind. The objective scientist studying this condition (and is writing just now), and the two loonies on either side literally trying to knock down my sensibility. Always there in the background, waiting for a weak moment to seize me. 6 weeks ago, I wouldn't see it clearly at all, just let whatever mood take me. However, split personality is not the case, this involves "Each personality is separate with its own memory and each lacks the awareness of the other personality".
Thursday 08/04
There is no point in aiming to be normal, if that's not what you desire. Curbing excesses is the way forward. I am 97.4% certain I would be dead by now if those polar extremes didn't keep each other in check. The depressed me would commit suicide, the bonkers me would not accept that things weren't possible, and would test a homemade nuclear plant or something equally stupid. So instead of going from 0%-100%, I can aim for, say, 10%-90%, then 40%-80%. Still on the side of craziness, mind, because my current frame of mind says that's where I want to be, and I wouldn't accept anything else. You can call this my mental methadone...
Thursday 08/04
1. A "wet" day yesterday, but stayed just on the right side of getting drunk.
2. Managed to snap out of the past and rumination 90% of the time
3. Feel pretty good about myself, but strangely calm. Think this is what I'm really supposed to be like generally :)
2. Managed to snap out of the past and rumination 90% of the time
3. Feel pretty good about myself, but strangely calm. Think this is what I'm really supposed to be like generally :)
Wednesday 07/04
Good day. My psychiatrist and CB therapist can't get enough of me, apparently I don't fit any of their books. Cool. Don't want to be "placed". I know most people get puzzled when they speak to me, but to completely mystify trained professionals within 15 minutes is quite strange. And I find them both very capable. I seem to be one of the few persons who has got it all down to nature, there's not much (if anything) in nurture that can explain it. One of nature's freaks, I suppose. So, no cure readily available. But f*** that, I won't give up!
Wednesday 07/04
This is what bipolar is all about. High, can walk on water, all my plans and projects will come to fruition. Unlimited knowledge. And I am of course irresistible to anyone! Of course, I'm restless as hell and literally shaking.
Wednesday 07/04
The past is stale. The present is life. The future doesn't exist. I will therefore attempt to forget the past, and not worry too much about what the future will bring, as I'll otherwise be wasting my current life.
Update Tuesday 06/03 20:11
Was feeling worthless, despair came knocking again. Printed out this journal, read it and thought “Bring it on. I’m better. Smarter. Nicer.” Powerful stuff, this! 3 happy thoughts:
1. I expected reading the journal would help, and it did
2. Discovered how much I actually enjoy writing
3. Told myself I didn’t need any alcohol today, and prevailed, because I had it as a set goal
1. I expected reading the journal would help, and it did
2. Discovered how much I actually enjoy writing
3. Told myself I didn’t need any alcohol today, and prevailed, because I had it as a set goal
Religion is not really my cup of tea. Telling masses of people what to believe, instead of furthering individuality may have served a purpose before facebook, not so much now. However, it’s been around for so long that its staying power can’t be questioned. And some things just haven’t changed. What I suffer from is a combination of some of humanity’s worst and best traits, so thought it might be interesting to hold up this to the 7 deadly sins and virtues. Interestingly, this ancient scripture is significantly more relevant than the “New 7 Sins”, which include genetic manipulation and selling drugs. Not guilty!!!
7 Deadly Sins:
Envy: My jealousy is huge. I will put that here, in the way that I’m envious that some else is having the attention I want
Gluttony: I suppose the occasional binge-drinking session
Greed: No. Just the desire to be happy. Suppose to an extent by seeking acceptance (status, po...wer), because I’m so insecure
Lust: No. Unless you describe my tendency to focus on the outside rather than the inside initially is lustful?
Pride: Certainly not, on the contrary.
Sloth: Failure to utilise one's talents and gifts? Describes me very well
Wrath: Got a burning fire inside me which I can’t control
7 Virtues:
Kindness: Can be very kind, and go out of my way to help people. Especially friends.
Temperance: No. I’m either on full blaze or nearly extinguished. Moderation doesn’t apply to me.
Charity: In its original meaning, no: “unlimited loving-kindness toward all others.” I deliberately avoid certain people.
Chasti...ty: Not so much, but improved significantly since split with ex-fiancé 6 years ago
Humility: I think so
Diligence: Not at all. Unfortunately.
Patience: Certainly not, nearly non-existent
7 Deadly Sins:
Envy: My jealousy is huge. I will put that here, in the way that I’m envious that some else is having the attention I want
Gluttony: I suppose the occasional binge-drinking session
Greed: No. Just the desire to be happy. Suppose to an extent by seeking acceptance (status, po...wer), because I’m so insecure
Lust: No. Unless you describe my tendency to focus on the outside rather than the inside initially is lustful?
Pride: Certainly not, on the contrary.
Sloth: Failure to utilise one's talents and gifts? Describes me very well
Wrath: Got a burning fire inside me which I can’t control
7 Virtues:
Kindness: Can be very kind, and go out of my way to help people. Especially friends.
Temperance: No. I’m either on full blaze or nearly extinguished. Moderation doesn’t apply to me.
Charity: In its original meaning, no: “unlimited loving-kindness toward all others.” I deliberately avoid certain people.
Chasti...ty: Not so much, but improved significantly since split with ex-fiancé 6 years ago
Humility: I think so
Diligence: Not at all. Unfortunately.
Patience: Certainly not, nearly non-existent
Tuesday 06/03
Mediocrity. The scariest word in my world. I can’t be in a reasonably paid job, be married to a loving reasonable woman, drive a Vauxhall or anything like that. Inferiority complex? Have something to prove? Yes.
I also got the impression from my psychiatrist that I’m a bit of a special case. I have supportive friends and family. Got money. I’m smart. Sense of humour. I could be a lot uglier. She even said charming and pleasant, which made me blush a wee bit… So got everything going for me, really. It takes someone immensely strong (yes, me) to undermine that framework. So she’s really curious, and can’t wait to speak to me again. Either that, or she was flirting . Just kidding, she’s very professional and sharp. Made her laugh when she suggested changing my anti-depressants. I exclaimed “No way, I don’t want to be depressed. I want to be bipolar, much more fun!!!”
All this leads back to my theory that it’s mainly down to nature. I have to teach this old dog some new tricks, set some aims, which also corresponds with what my CBT is telling me. Easy ones first:
•Cut down on alcohol. Not a huge issue. I do drink more than I’m supposed to, but not a huge amount. Just do it every day. So, from now on, no alcohol Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays!
•Arrange an expedition. Always look at things I’d like to do, but never get done. Coast to coast in Scotland in September is the early front-runner. Mont Blanc to follow next year.
•Pay off unpaid bills. Huge problem for someone like me, I don’t find such issues important, and therefore ignore them….
•Stick rigidly to my new medication plan, starting today
•Find and start at least one new hobby before moving to Exeter
I also got the impression from my psychiatrist that I’m a bit of a special case. I have supportive friends and family. Got money. I’m smart. Sense of humour. I could be a lot uglier. She even said charming and pleasant, which made me blush a wee bit… So got everything going for me, really. It takes someone immensely strong (yes, me) to undermine that framework. So she’s really curious, and can’t wait to speak to me again. Either that, or she was flirting . Just kidding, she’s very professional and sharp. Made her laugh when she suggested changing my anti-depressants. I exclaimed “No way, I don’t want to be depressed. I want to be bipolar, much more fun!!!”
All this leads back to my theory that it’s mainly down to nature. I have to teach this old dog some new tricks, set some aims, which also corresponds with what my CBT is telling me. Easy ones first:
•Cut down on alcohol. Not a huge issue. I do drink more than I’m supposed to, but not a huge amount. Just do it every day. So, from now on, no alcohol Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays!
•Arrange an expedition. Always look at things I’d like to do, but never get done. Coast to coast in Scotland in September is the early front-runner. Mont Blanc to follow next year.
•Pay off unpaid bills. Huge problem for someone like me, I don’t find such issues important, and therefore ignore them….
•Stick rigidly to my new medication plan, starting today
•Find and start at least one new hobby before moving to Exeter
Monday 05/03
Since I started this journal online, I’ve had 5 friends and counting who have come forward to talk about their quite serious mental problems. Fascinating how little we notice!
Monday 05/03
Ok, so have now found the roots of the problems, so the war begins :). Never go to war without a good battle plan! And there are some people around me - you know who you are - who have been absolute stars. I won't forget
Monday 05/03
Is it possible that I might have embraced my condition a bit too much? Wanting to be different and all that, which is what keeps up my madness levels? Writing here is addictive, the more drugs the better, therapy all the time. I have always had a rule not to use BPD as an excuse. But if I don't want to get cured, it gets very hard to follow that rule. I previously said that "Love that people can see the fun in bipolar. Support groups are depressing! Bipolar isn't easy, but what a f****** ride :)". Clinical depression you want to get out of. Broken bones you want to have fixed. Psychosis you want to get treated for (because it is extremely scary to yourself). But get this - bipolar is ADDICTIVE!!! Which is why it's so difficult to
treat. Keep saying to my shrinks, friends and family I want to get sorted, but probably don't believe it. This makes sense of everything!
Explains why I’m never happy with what I got, want something better. And it has to be better!
Explains why I don’t really want to be too successful or motivated, I need the crashes to get the euphoria
Explains why I want to punish myself
Explains why I’m always looking for trouble
Explains the recurring breakdowns after stopping meds and therapy
Explains why I can’t enjoy the present, always looking for the next “fix”
Explains why I’m flattered when people say “you’re crazy”
Explains why I’m making such a big deal out of it and seeking attention in any way, shape or form. By publishing this, by fighting people, etc.
I think this journal has made me realise I’m in a much worse state than I thought, and scarily, I’m proud of it…
treat. Keep saying to my shrinks, friends and family I want to get sorted, but probably don't believe it. This makes sense of everything!
Explains why I’m never happy with what I got, want something better. And it has to be better!
Explains why I don’t really want to be too successful or motivated, I need the crashes to get the euphoria
Explains why I want to punish myself
Explains why I’m always looking for trouble
Explains the recurring breakdowns after stopping meds and therapy
Explains why I can’t enjoy the present, always looking for the next “fix”
Explains why I’m flattered when people say “you’re crazy”
Explains why I’m making such a big deal out of it and seeking attention in any way, shape or form. By publishing this, by fighting people, etc.
I think this journal has made me realise I’m in a much worse state than I thought, and scarily, I’m proud of it…
Monday 05/03
Want to cut all ties and hit the road. I just might disappear, and roam the roads of Britain for a while. Has a certain freedom and appeal to it, and might be what this restless soul needs.... But going to see kids first, so won't be for another couple of weeks. Then I can really spend all my time w(a/o)ndering. Sorry, crap joke :)
Monday 05/03
2 psychiatrists. 2 therapists. Shedloads of drugs. 4,000 words written here. Not yet a match for my issues. Despair is far too strong, and controls me. Moving on doesn't seem to be an option, I'm stuck. With regards to everything. But let's look at the positives - if I were running at 100% and were evil, the world wouldn't have a chance! What I'm trying to say is there's immense strength and power locked up in me, but it’s currently only used to put myself down. Therapy and drugs can make me temporarily better. But I don't really believe I'll ever be the person I want to be.
I can understand why suicide is such an attractive option for many sufferers, but strangely that has never appealed to me. Fly for 10 seconds, and all your problems are gone forever. But that'd be too easy. And selfish. It’d be punishing others, when it’s myself I want to punish. I never choose the easy route, which is the best explanation I can find.... But deep down I also know I want to live.
I can understand why suicide is such an attractive option for many sufferers, but strangely that has never appealed to me. Fly for 10 seconds, and all your problems are gone forever. But that'd be too easy. And selfish. It’d be punishing others, when it’s myself I want to punish. I never choose the easy route, which is the best explanation I can find.... But deep down I also know I want to live.
Sunday 04/03
Well, Simon Crow is always here to tell me good stories about me. Feel better now, and
think I've left that girl behind once and for all. And made peace with most of the "adversaries" from last night. Neither is meant in a derogatory manner, good for all of us
think I've left that girl behind once and for all. And made peace with most of the "adversaries" from last night. Neither is meant in a derogatory manner, good for all of us
Sunday 04/03
My 3 happy things. As they are.
1. Realised that it may be the case that I'm not always to blame.
2. Didn't get arrested.....
3. Don't fucking know
1. Realised that it may be the case that I'm not always to blame.
2. Didn't get arrested.....
3. Don't fucking know
Sunday 04/03
Complete meltdown. No comments. Theory - the reason I'm so self-critical and fault-finding is probably because it seems the easier option. Imagine a scenario where someone upsets me. If I'm to blame, they're still ok and do like me. If they're to blame, they don't like me at all. So I eventually take most blame on my shoulders, because I want to see the best in some people. And destroy myself in the process! I'm scared of saying "well, actually you're wrong". Not at the time, mind, I'll happily jump to all sorts of conclusions. But when I think it over afterwards, my thoughts nearly always benefit the other part(s).
Saturday 03/03
OK, as I will do, 3 good points about today.... Hasn't been a bad day really! If anyone at Newton Abbot KB reads this, really like you guys!
1. The friends I doubted yesterday (well, my other half have been doubting) have been great. I really had no reason to doubt them, but it still feels good to not doubt you. If that... makes sense.....
2. Met my ex, she was smiling - so think we're still friends
3. Gave her my jumper, so I was bloody freezing - and refused to take it
back. Think I'm a gentleman deep down - blue fingers are temporary...... If you don't get along as partners, there was something there that conntected us in the first place. So hope we'll be good friends.
4. Outdrunk Steve..... Christ, he'll be in trouble tomorrow....
And I guess starting up 2 new companies in 2 years is 2 more than the majority. I'm good. Just need to control it.
1. The friends I doubted yesterday (well, my other half have been doubting) have been great. I really had no reason to doubt them, but it still feels good to not doubt you. If that... makes sense.....
2. Met my ex, she was smiling - so think we're still friends
3. Gave her my jumper, so I was bloody freezing - and refused to take it
back. Think I'm a gentleman deep down - blue fingers are temporary...... If you don't get along as partners, there was something there that conntected us in the first place. So hope we'll be good friends.
4. Outdrunk Steve..... Christ, he'll be in trouble tomorrow....
And I guess starting up 2 new companies in 2 years is 2 more than the majority. I'm good. Just need to control it.
Friday 02/04
Joined Facebook group“Bipolar Badge of Honour”, a group to set up to look at the lighter and more positive side of this condition. My initial comment: “Love that people can see the fun in bipolar. Support groups are depressing! Bipolar isn't easy, but what a f****** ride :)”.
Also, a recent study has shown that 46% of “sufferers” wouldn’t have the disorder taken away if they could. How many were asked whilst hyper, I don’t know, but the positive side-effects of bipolar are many. Heightened intelligence, alertness, bravery, passion, standing out from the crowd, commitment, lack of modern financial constraints and DDA benefits. To mention a few. It has been said that if we all got together, with our resources and intelligence, we’d rule the world. But that’s the best thing. We don’t want to!
Whether bipolar or my side effects came first is completely irrelevant, they came together!!! Why all this talk about negative side effects? I must admit I’m somewhat hyper now, so COMPLETELY biased. But next time I’m down, I’ll look at this and smile.
Also, a recent study has shown that 46% of “sufferers” wouldn’t have the disorder taken away if they could. How many were asked whilst hyper, I don’t know, but the positive side-effects of bipolar are many. Heightened intelligence, alertness, bravery, passion, standing out from the crowd, commitment, lack of modern financial constraints and DDA benefits. To mention a few. It has been said that if we all got together, with our resources and intelligence, we’d rule the world. But that’s the best thing. We don’t want to!
Whether bipolar or my side effects came first is completely irrelevant, they came together!!! Why all this talk about negative side effects? I must admit I’m somewhat hyper now, so COMPLETELY biased. But next time I’m down, I’ll look at this and smile.
Thursday 01/04
So, things are looking up, my life is getting sorted, I’m getting the right treatment and so on. Must be about time to self-destruct, then….
Had a sudden urge to get angry and drink copious amounts of alcohol. Looking at job descriptions and thinking “hold on, I’m not good enough for this”. Think about all the things that can go wrong, instead of all the things that can go right. Doubt many of my friends, as some of them are also friends with my ex (all members of the same club). Can I trust them? Despite having no reason to, as she and I get along fine (to my knowledge). Paranoia again. But it is present, and bringing me down.
Been challenged by my CBT to have a look at “Laws of Attraction”, basically stipulating that if you expect something to be good, it will be. So if I dread doing ironing (and I do!), then convince myself it’s great, it will be. So have to write down 3 good things every day, no matter how minor….. Eventually that should lead me to appreciate more things and be happier?
1.Proved organisational skills by getting all the necessary paperwork to the estate agent, so have agreed on moving in date
2.Proved I could exercise despite wanting to drown my sorrows in drink
3.Said exercise was enough to stop me reaching for the bottle, and I did expect that. Ok, so I still had nearly a bottle of wine, but considering where I was heading, that’s saintly!
4.Followed my other counsellor’s advice to talk to people, even if I find them boring. Just to make me less reserved. Yes, I still find them boring, but I overcame an obstacle.
Had a sudden urge to get angry and drink copious amounts of alcohol. Looking at job descriptions and thinking “hold on, I’m not good enough for this”. Think about all the things that can go wrong, instead of all the things that can go right. Doubt many of my friends, as some of them are also friends with my ex (all members of the same club). Can I trust them? Despite having no reason to, as she and I get along fine (to my knowledge). Paranoia again. But it is present, and bringing me down.
Been challenged by my CBT to have a look at “Laws of Attraction”, basically stipulating that if you expect something to be good, it will be. So if I dread doing ironing (and I do!), then convince myself it’s great, it will be. So have to write down 3 good things every day, no matter how minor….. Eventually that should lead me to appreciate more things and be happier?
1.Proved organisational skills by getting all the necessary paperwork to the estate agent, so have agreed on moving in date
2.Proved I could exercise despite wanting to drown my sorrows in drink
3.Said exercise was enough to stop me reaching for the bottle, and I did expect that. Ok, so I still had nearly a bottle of wine, but considering where I was heading, that’s saintly!
4.Followed my other counsellor’s advice to talk to people, even if I find them boring. Just to make me less reserved. Yes, I still find them boring, but I overcame an obstacle.
Wednesday 31/03
So, altogether a pretty decent day. I still have the constant oppression that I am not popular or deserving, and when I do my usual kb, I think people tolerate me rather than like me. However, what I have learnt is that I'm probably easier to like (once you get past the initial signs of arrogance) than to tolerate. If that makes sense. I can literally feel my paranoia levels sinking, and start believing compliments. My confidence is still low, and I still want to show off in training, but hopefully that's just a matter of time. Always found it funny that the less confident I am the more arrogant / unapproachable I get.
Wednesday 31/03
And I just got called for another job interview. 4 weeks ago this did NOT seem possible
Wednesday 31/03
Today has been pretty good so far, had some interesting talks with sales people, and feel I've actually achieved something for work. Still looking for other job, though, and suddenly realised I qualify for "Guaranteed Interview Scheme", part of Disabilities Discrimination Act. Basically, if I fulfil their criteria, I'm guaranteed an interview. Which may seem like cheating. But I don't think it is - someone like me always stumbles at the first hurdle, despite being well capable of doing a great job. Provided as my condition is understood (like "no, there's nothing wrong, just like staring aimlessly at the computer screen for 5 hours straight" or "Yeah, I always feel hyper and do 5 days work in one"). And I have to face it, I've got an invisible disability.
Wednesday 31/03
Everybody thinks I’m strong because I’m physically fit, can do loads of press-ups, extreme sports, be angry and revel in my craziness. I never show feelings in public - but I’m not strong. All a façade to hide the real weak me?
But I’m not really weak; I’m compassionate (and passionate), intelligent, loyal, brave and honest. And angry. And insecure. I'm learning, though....
But I’m not really weak; I’m compassionate (and passionate), intelligent, loyal, brave and honest. And angry. And insecure. I'm learning, though....
Tuesday 30/03
So.... Sudden thought whilst writing the facts below - how does psychosis link with my belief of not being good enough and general sense of paranoia? Definitely interlinked, even if I only very rarely suffer psychotic episodes. The one I do remember nearly scared me to death. Still freaks me out looking back.
"Psychosis may involve delusional beliefs, some of which are paranoid in nature. Primary delusions are defined as arising suddenly and not being comprehensible in terms of normal mental processes".
It's there in the background, adding to my thoughts. So not a full blown psycho, but like many other mental health patients, there is a lot more than a simple diagnosis of bipolar!
"Psychosis may involve delusional beliefs, some of which are paranoid in nature. Primary delusions are defined as arising suddenly and not being comprehensible in terms of normal mental processes".
It's there in the background, adding to my thoughts. So not a full blown psycho, but like many other mental health patients, there is a lot more than a simple diagnosis of bipolar!
Tuesday 30/03
Just some facts:
-Bipolar Disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. PET (positron emission tomography) scans taken during depressed and manic states display the level of glucose consumed in the brain, and increased glucose consumption corresponds to increased brain activity. During manic states, consumption levels are outrageously high, but the scans of the depressed brain show only faint blips of consumption.
-If left untreated, one in seven sufferers commits suicide.
-Psychotic episodes (losing touch with reality, questioning your existence etc.) is prevalent amongst sufferers.
-Bipolar disorder is genetic. So, basically I can't help it - which is NOT the same as saying I won't take responsibility for my actions!
-There is no cure, only continued therapy and drugs will help.
-It takes an average of 10 years to get a proper diagnosis.
-A child with one parent diagnosed with bipolar disorder has a 15 to 30% risk of also having bipolar disorder. When both parents have bipolar disorder, the risk increases to 50 to 75%
-Bipolar Disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. PET (positron emission tomography) scans taken during depressed and manic states display the level of glucose consumed in the brain, and increased glucose consumption corresponds to increased brain activity. During manic states, consumption levels are outrageously high, but the scans of the depressed brain show only faint blips of consumption.
-If left untreated, one in seven sufferers commits suicide.
-Psychotic episodes (losing touch with reality, questioning your existence etc.) is prevalent amongst sufferers.
-Bipolar disorder is genetic. So, basically I can't help it - which is NOT the same as saying I won't take responsibility for my actions!
-There is no cure, only continued therapy and drugs will help.
-It takes an average of 10 years to get a proper diagnosis.
-A child with one parent diagnosed with bipolar disorder has a 15 to 30% risk of also having bipolar disorder. When both parents have bipolar disorder, the risk increases to 50 to 75%
Tuesday 30/03
Non-eventful day. A bit tired, but not in a depressed way, just physical. The price I have to pay for stability.
Monday 29/03
Monday 29/03
Another journey of self discovery at the counsellor. As previously mentioned, I can't cope with being ignored. I then believe that it's because I'm not interesting enough. This largely explains my competitive instinct, as I want to get noticed. I seek attention to make up for it. Whether it be locking the teacher out the classroom (that was funny, mind), jumping off a cliff or beating everybody at press-ups, every part of my life is a competition. I want people to know I'm crazy, it sets me apart. These are easily achievable goals, being good at my education or career (yeah, done ok, but could do a lot better) are longer term benefits I am still unable to pursue. I want instant gratification. Sadly, being the best is never enough, because I'm competing against myself, whom I'll never beat.... I have to realise that who I am may be flawed, but can be adjusted to make the "good" side stronger. I will never be a particularly easy-going person, but allowing myself to fail is necessary.
Another journey of self discovery at the counsellor. As previously mentioned, I can't cope with being ignored. I then believe that it's because I'm not interesting enough. This largely explains my competitive instinct, as I want to get noticed. I seek attention to make up for it. Whether it be locking the teacher out the classroom (that was funny, mind), jumping off a cliff or beating everybody at press-ups, every part of my life is a competition. I want people to know I'm crazy, it sets me apart. These are easily achievable goals, being good at my education or career (yeah, done ok, but could do a lot better) are longer term benefits I am still unable to pursue. I want instant gratification. Sadly, being the best is never enough, because I'm competing against myself, whom I'll never beat.... I have to realise that who I am may be flawed, but can be adjusted to make the "good" side stronger. I will never be a particularly easy-going person, but allowing myself to fail is necessary.
Sunday 28/03
Had a good evening, kickboxing nearly always brings a smile to my face. Especially when we have a pint afterwards, that's the sort of socialising I've been missing most of my life. Which probably accounts for some of my lack of social skills? Despite being somewhat hyper today, I can feel the mood swings have settled a... lot. Meds are starting to take effect and this blog continues to be a great relief. Being open and social seems to be a learnable activity, is all it needs is this, should have started it 30 years ago. But I mustn't ruminate the past!
Saturday 27/03
Haha, welcome back instant mood swings :). Happy just now after a frustrating day. A good talk or a minor event triggers it. Both ways. Still, while the swings are there, they are SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than when this page started.
Saturday 27/03
Saturday 27/03
Feel somewhat surplus to requirements at work. Having a wedding, but everybody seems to know what they're doing, so feel I'm just in the way. That's one of the major issues to be solved, job satisfaction, and it certainly won't be here. Just not very good at it, and even worse, not very interested either. Somebody take... me away. Just now. Feel like putting my fist through this screen. Still got huge problems focusing on anything.
Probably need to curb my aggression even more, have been responsible for nosebleed, a black eye and a chipped tooth in kickboxing this week. Not out of anger, I just get hyped up.
Feel somewhat surplus to requirements at work. Having a wedding, but everybody seems to know what they're doing, so feel I'm just in the way. That's one of the major issues to be solved, job satisfaction, and it certainly won't be here. Just not very good at it, and even worse, not very interested either. Somebody take... me away. Just now. Feel like putting my fist through this screen. Still got huge problems focusing on anything.
Probably need to curb my aggression even more, have been responsible for nosebleed, a black eye and a chipped tooth in kickboxing this week. Not out of anger, I just get hyped up.
Friday 26/03
Strange day, but not too bad. Haven't got anything philosophical to share today, but hey...
Friday 26/03
Restless and agitated. Unable to focus or sit still. Can't even gather my thoughts to write here, so a wee short message for now
Friday 26/03
Sigh of relief - depression got tackled for now, and less hyper as well. Which my shrink says is a good thing :)
Thursday 25/03
Heading for a depression – but I can see it coming. Which is good. Just started thing what’s important to achieve in my life. Happiness. Children. Friends. Job satisfaction. Relationship with a pretty and nice woman. But again, until I learn appreciating things, I could date Cheryl Cole and still wanting someone else….. Think I can’t achieve all goals, if any, so despair creeping in. But this time I’m ready, it needs to be annihilated. The despair, that is, not me!
Thursday 25/03
Throughout my life I have been scared of making a fool of myself or not be respected. The worst that can happen is when I try to contribute, and am ignored. Shatters my confidence every time. Which also explain some weird behaviour to this day, as when I feel someone isn’t paying me enough attention, I get angry. It can destroy a good night out, and make me irate with good friends. It also triggers a desire to want to be liked, one of jealousy, as in why is that person getting the attention. Which makes me hate myself as well, and want to be a different person. All that combined is an explosive combination. Most of my issues are down to my brain not functioning quite as it should. I’m a strong believer in nature, but nurture does influence as well. If someone who’s naturally insecure has two older sisters who were more sensible than me – I would find it difficult to overcome. If they were right anyway, why should I bother improving? Same in school – if at first you don’t succeed, it’s obviously too hard. If I try and fail, the condition will worsen. These are two potential triggers which left untreated have developed into full on depression, social desperation, and bipolar disorder. I am sure there are more factors contributing, but minor events in life can have far reaching effects.
Wednesday 24/03
Bit tired, but reckon 4 hours sleep should be enough.... Initial reactions to this experiment have been very good, people commenting on how brave it is and how things all of a sudden make sense. But I knew that would happen. More interesting are the things I hear from people I consider friends, but just never talked to about these sorts of things. As a direct result some have started open up themselves towards me about their mental issues. So that's good. On the other hand 1 certain individual removed me from her friends list yesterday. Had been chatting to her, exchanged phone numbers, that sort of thing, when I befriended her on Facebook. That seemed to end our conversations. Good thing it did, you get a better idea of whom to trust. Not angry with her, 9 out of 10 girls would probably run away screaming reading this. There's a reason us guys have a reputation of dishonesty, truth isn't always that pretty.
Tuesday 23/03
Moving to Devon has been good for me. For the first time in many years I've got real friends, hobbies I enjoy, and even managed a relationship for the first time in 6 years. Ok, "managed" is probably the wrong word, as I cocked it up within 2 months, but thanks to this and her I'm probably less than a commitophobe than I was before. I'd say my life is objectively better. That my condition has taken a turn for the worse is unfortunate, but I feel more capable of coping with it than I would otherwise.
Tuesday 23/03
Another sleepless night, so a bit jittery today. Makes my life more interesting, but suppose it can get annoying that I suddenly start singing Christmas carols in March??? One assumption people always make about me is that I'm to the point, straight-forward, honest and that sort of thing. However, behind all that my mind is working overtime to make me complicated. Funny how one who is so "simple" to the people that don't know him is the complete opposite. I guess describing me as principled makes more sense?
Monday 22/03
Unable to sleep (not unusual), so playing with images of myself. See profile pic for questionable result... Also spending far too much time on Google Analytics (yes, you read that right!) At least it distracts my thinking. Still convinced I'm wasting my life, and could do so much more. Need a guiding light. A new career won't change this, as long as I self-destruct. Arrogantly think I'm better than at least 90% of the world, if I could only make use of myself and my 133-162 IQ points (depending on the test)..... But being good at solving puzzles is unfortunately not the road to happiness. Quite the contrary when your brain refuses to switch off!
Monday 22/03
Been busy all day, and went mountain biking. The adrenaline rush of going down a rocky step at 200mph (or thereabouts) is fantastic. Appreciate the support I've got from friends and family for writing this blog of destruction. Thanks, love you guys - even if I don't show it
Sunday 21/03
Not too bad - had a decent night out, just kept it on the right side of hangover! Moving house tomorrow, but is blissfully ignorant of getting packed. Will have a busy day tomorrow. Keep thinking how to apply myself successfully in life, not much nearer an answer. Maybe later? Mood swings still very easily triggered.
Saturday 20/03
Decent start to the day - energy levels up, mood a bit better (for now) and want to write here again. Not just because I must, beacause I can! Brain and body slightly in sync again. Next subject.... How to let go, and not ruminate the past. In this scenario, how do you stop being in love with someone who probably is no longer in love with you (still friendly, but not quite the same). Tough one to crack, the risk is going skirt-chasing in the remote hope miss right is next. Which is not very satisfying. Or my desire. Or will make me forget anything. No solution yet, will again find my Buddhist books for inspiration on how to live in the present, not past or future. They helped last time
Friday 19/03
Nearly completely crap day. Couldn’t get out of bed till 5pm, and then only thanks to taekwondo. Exercise always gets me going, but today my mind couldn't convince my body to leave bed. Not that I was tired, just couldn't face the world... Paralysing myself. Hate it.
Thursday 18/03
Tired. Annoyed. Frustrated. Depressed. Lonely. Stuck on the same few unhelpful thoughts going on a loop. Makes it all worse than it should be. Can't really be arsed writing this, but am forcing myself. Will probably appreciate it tomorrow
Thursday 18/03
As I said previously, still a long way to go. Drugs are slowing me down and making me very tired. Minor incidents can colour far too much (as they just have). And I'm talking really minor, that's all it takes to derail the positive thoughts, and start delving into the past again. Grrrr!!!! Not nearly as bad as it was 2-3 weeks ago, this is a good sign, though. But I'm once again scared and excited of myself and what I might get up to
Thursday 18/03
Slowly putting the jigsaw of my life together. Amazing how seemingly completely different events and personality traits can have the same cause. For instance, I can be extremely driven and competitive, whilst at the same time be destitute and lack motivation. For someone like me, lacking in confidence and self-belief, there is a need to feel be admired / respected / loved. Therefore, I need to do amazing things like curing cancer (unlikely, as I’m not a doctor), build a whisky distillery (got a detailed business plan and half the funding, but eventually realised I was on a road to nowhere) or climb 30 miles across the Cairngorms in a blizzard (did it, highly irresponsible, but exciting). Daily tasks (like, say, paying tax, or doing your work properly) become irrelevant. Also, BPD is like drug abuse. When you’re low, you can’t wait to get high, and when you’re high, you want to get even higher. Therefore one can never be satisfied with the current situation. A bit like buying a new car, and wanting a newer one after 3 months. Just worse, because it goes for relationships as well. So the amazing things I can do are all for nothing as well. Which means I can never be happy, until expectations are adjusted. A bit of self-analysis there, think I'm confusing my therapists with my knowledge and discussing, well, life philosophy. Together, we shall work it out
Thursday 18/03
Morning log-on. Feel pretty decent, just about to see my Therapist, who should hopefully have an idea what he's dealing with now? He seems good, so looking forward to it.
Wednesday 17/03
Ok, first real entry. My last breakdown just over 3 weeks ago was a real eye opener. I realised how something very valuable was thrown away due to, well, not stupidity, more like a desire to make things difficult. I will not go into details, but the blessing and curse with BPD is that most people don't notice it until it's too late. So you can seem quite normal (if somewhat edgy and wired) to most of the population, whilst driving those close to you absolutely insane. However, I now already feel a lot better, as I immediately went to the GP and got new medication whilst being referred to a psychiatrist and therapist. Still early days, but the relief of talking to someone who knows about it is immediate.
Ok, first real entry. My last breakdown just over 3 weeks ago was a real eye opener. I realised how something very valuable was thrown away due to, well, not stupidity, more like a desire to make things difficult. I will not go into details, but the blessing and curse with BPD is that most people don't notice it until it's too late. So you can seem quite normal (if somewhat edgy and wired) to most of the population, whilst driving those close to you absolutely insane. However, I now already feel a lot better, as I immediately went to the GP and got new medication whilst being referred to a psychiatrist and therapist. Still early days, but the relief of talking to someone who knows about it is immediate.
Short intro to this: Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, as part of a recovery process after several severe breakdowns over the last 5 years, will from now on log details here. Of course, being human I've got several traits that don't help the condition, in particular constant brain activity (not good when the thoughts are like mine....), paranoia, jealousy, aggression, shyness, lack of motivation and a general lack of confidence. They all feed into my mental state, so when something good happens, I usually decide to self-destruct by being negative. I can be very fragile, and I now (at the age of 33), have had enough, so will do everything in my power to be a stronger person. This blog should both help me to see and anticipate mood swings, analyse my behaviour and to look at how well I'm progressing. Furthermore, who knows, I might be well recovered in a few months, at which point it would be a very interesting document to look back on. Doing it online is very deliberate, I've decided being open about it is the best way forwar!
Intro
Ok, this blog was actually started on Facebook, so what I post goes back to 17th March. All this didn't happen in one go!
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