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Possibly overheard by a fly in a CBT's office this morning:
Therapist: "Morten, you keep presenting yourself as someone you shouldn't like and as a troublemaker. I was even taken in when you first came to see me, but have now realised it's a fictional character you're comfortable with presenting. You're not like that when you occasionally let your guard down. How about letting the guard down more often?"
Me: "Well, I don't like most people. They're annoying and boring"
Therapist: "Maybe, but the interesting and fun people also get that impression"
Me: "Hmmmm....... You have a point......"
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
26/07/2010
Well, increasingly obvious that I can't control myself. Especially not when alcohol is involved. For some reason I get desperate to fight and cause trouble. A drunk me really is a recipe for trouble. The flipside of becoming who I am is that I am quite an angry person. An uninhibited version of me will fight.
I feel alive. But sometimes a full on version of me is a bit scary. Still adamant that drugs are very bad for you. But why am I angry? I think it's just in my genes. Easily provoked, looking for trouble, wanting to prove my warrior credentials. I don't have a "good" reason for being angry. I am seriously thinking of becoming a monk, and stop interaction with the modern world. But then, celibacy and vegetables isn't really what I'm after. Other times I want to be Rambo, and wage war on society.
I feel alive. But sometimes a full on version of me is a bit scary. Still adamant that drugs are very bad for you. But why am I angry? I think it's just in my genes. Easily provoked, looking for trouble, wanting to prove my warrior credentials. I don't have a "good" reason for being angry. I am seriously thinking of becoming a monk, and stop interaction with the modern world. But then, celibacy and vegetables isn't really what I'm after. Other times I want to be Rambo, and wage war on society.
22/07/2010
I was mentally ill. not at all well. but because it's all in the mind, the mind can sort it out. I still get grumpy, elated and I possess a ferocious temper. But that's OK. As long as I control myself. But.... I can't.... And that's not just part of the fun, it's most of it :)
Monday, 19 July 2010
19/07/2010
Just posted an open letter to a few newspapers. Let's see what (if anything) they have to say:
"Once you realise that you are not like the majority, you can either feel sorry for yourself. Or celebrate. I chose the latter and set up my own website. My name is Morten, I have just launched www.crazylikeyou.com, as dating and social networking site for, well, crazy people. I was getting fed up with the general consensus about mental “illness” and “disease”, as if it is something that should be cured, not embraced. But also with the lack of understanding (was just out of a relationship when I decided to set up this site)
I have officially been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and that was a huge problem. I actually wanted to get cured by whatever means possible. Cue years of drugs, therapy and self hate. The drugs did succeed in calming me down, at the terrible price of never being fully awake. Then, one day, after much reading, writing and therapy (psychology, philosophy etc) AND physical exercise I realised I wasn’t actually ill, just different. And by now, Bipolar is a condition, not a disorder. For me, at least
There is a surge for people to come forward with their mental illnesses, look at the campaign by two of the main meantal health charities, Mind and Rethink, Time to Change. I sincerely hope this campaign helps people come to terms, but I fear that all it will achieve is to tell people “it’s not your fault, we all feel sorry for you”
Thanks to internet tests, I have further self-diagnosed ADHD, OCD and even Asperger’s syndrome…… I no longer describe myself as bipolar, it is someone else’s definition of who I am.
Yes, of course this site is a business venture, and part of this letter is to get mentioned in your paper and get free advertising. But being who I am, it is also very much questioning common wisdom, and giving another perspective. It is a call for people to be honest, open, and not to hide behind self-pity. It is very much inspired by Nietzsche’s saying “you must become who you are”. Once you start putting labels on people, they very easily get stuck
Crazily Yours,
Morten Hansen"
"Once you realise that you are not like the majority, you can either feel sorry for yourself. Or celebrate. I chose the latter and set up my own website. My name is Morten, I have just launched www.crazylikeyou.com, as dating and social networking site for, well, crazy people. I was getting fed up with the general consensus about mental “illness” and “disease”, as if it is something that should be cured, not embraced. But also with the lack of understanding (was just out of a relationship when I decided to set up this site)
I have officially been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and that was a huge problem. I actually wanted to get cured by whatever means possible. Cue years of drugs, therapy and self hate. The drugs did succeed in calming me down, at the terrible price of never being fully awake. Then, one day, after much reading, writing and therapy (psychology, philosophy etc) AND physical exercise I realised I wasn’t actually ill, just different. And by now, Bipolar is a condition, not a disorder. For me, at least
There is a surge for people to come forward with their mental illnesses, look at the campaign by two of the main meantal health charities, Mind and Rethink, Time to Change. I sincerely hope this campaign helps people come to terms, but I fear that all it will achieve is to tell people “it’s not your fault, we all feel sorry for you”
Thanks to internet tests, I have further self-diagnosed ADHD, OCD and even Asperger’s syndrome…… I no longer describe myself as bipolar, it is someone else’s definition of who I am.
Yes, of course this site is a business venture, and part of this letter is to get mentioned in your paper and get free advertising. But being who I am, it is also very much questioning common wisdom, and giving another perspective. It is a call for people to be honest, open, and not to hide behind self-pity. It is very much inspired by Nietzsche’s saying “you must become who you are”. Once you start putting labels on people, they very easily get stuck
Crazily Yours,
Morten Hansen"
Sunday, 18 July 2010
19/07/2010
Lack of mental drugs makes me awake at day, sleep at night, and generally much better physically. So yeah, I get very impossible occasionally, but I also sometimes turn very nice. It feels good to be me again
18/07/2010
Pretty good day playing tourist in the place I've lived in for a couple of years. Once you stop thinking about work, what can be done, and what should be done, your own backyard becomes very nice. It does help that I live in Devon, which is very scenic
18/07/2010
Still completely unconvinced CLY will kick off. But with 310 members in one week, it just might work??? Just need to keep ice in my stomach :)
Monday, 12 July 2010
12/07/2010
Thought I was being particularly brave tonight. Heard banging noises when I parked my car, went to confront the car thieves. Turned out to be a couple of kids jumping around with their skateboards.... See, bravery is difficult to define. I was thinking long and hard about this confrontation, not so much because I was scared to get in a fight (yes, love fighting, sue me), more because I didn't want to look silly. My confidence nearly stopped me seeking out the "problem", but I had a compulsion to do so. I'd much rather be on a battlefield, getting told "see those fellas over there? Axe them!!" than tell someone that what they're doing might be wrong. In a flux. But that's OK.
11/07/2010
Rules are meant to be broken. Which partly explains a MTB trip round Burrator and Princetown. On my official rest day. Hard work after "Killer Loop" yesterday. But f*** does it make the pint of cider at the end taste like nectar!!!
Generally a pretty good day, but I would hate anybody out there to think it has been easy getting here (having good days, I mean, not cycling round and finding your starting point). I keep getting these messages saying things along the line of "you can do that, I can't, I'm not as brave / clever / extreme...."
I'm special. But so are you. And you shouldn't want to be anyone else (least of all me), as you never will be. Love thyself :)
Generally a pretty good day, but I would hate anybody out there to think it has been easy getting here (having good days, I mean, not cycling round and finding your starting point). I keep getting these messages saying things along the line of "you can do that, I can't, I'm not as brave / clever / extreme...."
I'm special. But so are you. And you shouldn't want to be anyone else (least of all me), as you never will be. Love thyself :)
09/07/2010
Keep getting caught out in social situations. People want to know how I am, what I'm doing these days and so on. And of course there's the age old struggle of when to say something of interest. But with most people, it's not a problem, I just want them to disappear. I don't want to engage in those conversations. Only solution: drink, and be drunk!!! Or disappear. I chose the latter tonight. But often I am wrong. Boring people turn put to be nice. Like myself, I suppose
09/07/2010
Peculiar day, mood swings present, but the lows seem more avoidable. Or easier to cope with. Still haven't got a clue whether CLY will work or not, a bit of stress there. But I'm kept pretty busy, which is of course key to a good life for me
05/05/2010
Started reading Nietzsche's "Also Sprach Zarathustra". Seems I like his ideas better than his writing, as I got bored 20 pages in. But that's not a bad thing, I think it's more important to take inspiration and formulate your own ideas, rather than doggedly follow a set doctrine. And I am certain Nietzsche would agree!
04/07/2010
Oooooh, look at this wooden bridge, looks very flammable. And see, someone left some matches :). Better get to the other side, I'm gonna have so much fun!!!
04/07/2010
Morten1: "See, I've got this paint and brush. You see that corner over there - the one furthest away from the door?"
Morten2: "Aye - what about it"
Morten1: "I want you to paint the whole floor. All of it. Use plenty of paint. Important that you end up in that corner!"
Morten2: "Yeah, I can see the purpose of that. Cool"
2 hours later
Morten2: "Hey, how do I get out of here??? Whoops...."
Morten2: "Aye - what about it"
Morten1: "I want you to paint the whole floor. All of it. Use plenty of paint. Important that you end up in that corner!"
Morten2: "Yeah, I can see the purpose of that. Cool"
2 hours later
Morten2: "Hey, how do I get out of here??? Whoops...."
02/07/2010
Just decided to change my diagnosis. I can do that, you know! Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorders are certainly not mutually exclusive, so suppose I can claim both?
From ICD (International Classification of Diseases):
“Personality disorder characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable. There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour.”
From ICD (International Classification of Diseases):
“Personality disorder characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable. There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour.”
01/07/2010
"The brain is just a computer made of meat" - Marvin Minsky.
Whereas I have previously stated that we are but a collection of building blocks, the counterargument to the above is that we have created computers. In our image. And therefore, the natural consequence is the existence of a God. In this case we are God, and we can imbue computers with the powers we want.
What if humans really are artificial intelligence, built by scientists (otherworldly or not)? That is entirely possible. Who knows, the PC I'm writing this on might think it's alive??? The existence of intelligence made out of building blocks (us) proves that it can be created!
Think I just proved that God can technically exist. Whoops.....
Whereas I have previously stated that we are but a collection of building blocks, the counterargument to the above is that we have created computers. In our image. And therefore, the natural consequence is the existence of a God. In this case we are God, and we can imbue computers with the powers we want.
What if humans really are artificial intelligence, built by scientists (otherworldly or not)? That is entirely possible. Who knows, the PC I'm writing this on might think it's alive??? The existence of intelligence made out of building blocks (us) proves that it can be created!
Think I just proved that God can technically exist. Whoops.....
01/07/2010
Mental health discrimination. As readers of this will know, I don't see it quite like that. Is it not the case that I think less of "normal" people. As do a lot of happy bipolars. We wouldn't be without it. We happily quote and hail previous "sufferers". Yes, we are the chosen ones from looking at some comments. It gives us pride and identity. But really, how shallow is it to say that because Van Gogh and Beethoven were bipolar and geniuses, therefore I must be a genius. A stone can't fly. My hamster can't fly. Therefore my hamster is a stone. I don't actually have a hamster, just proving a point...
30/06/2010
On one hand I'm thoroughly scientific. Our being can be explained in a completely binary way as a set of building blocks. Brain, heart, eyes, the clothes we wear etc. All a bunch of molecules randomly thrown together. On the other hand, I'm very random, impulsive, thoughtful and most of all emotional. Those sets of thoughts are pretty much mutually exclusive, but hey. I suppose that is why I'm me. Don't try and make sense of me. You'll fail :)
30/06/2010
Again, an interesting day with the therapist. She was probing regarding last week's session, where I unbeknownst to myself put up a quite severe guard when she started talking about relationships. Bear in mind this is a professional (and in my opinion very capable), so I definitely acknowledge what she says. Also, she probably knows more of my quirks than just about anybody. So if she's struggling to get through to me, I can only guess how hard it is for "normal" people..... And why it is so difficult for me to cope in social situations
23/06/2010
Just read about John Travolta's psychiatric drug stance. As much as I dislike Scientology's manipulative ways and utter nonsense, on their point I agree. Been on more drugs I can remember, and all made me tired, constrained and, well, not me.
I think they can help a lot of people, in particular unipolar depressives, but I'm one of those guys who tried to fit in. And eventually realised I'd just rather be me. Which is also why I don't agree with the term "disorder".
I generally think drug companies have a lot to answer for. Being diabetic, I've come to the conclusion this disease would have been cured long ago if it wasn't for these companies' vested interests....
I'm on a mission here. According to me, the placebo effect is more efficient that any researched drugs. Nobody knows what causes bipolar "disorder". No bloody wonder, it's a made up condition. According to a university study (forgot which), people who are diagnosed with this have 30% higher traffic between brain cells. So, hey, let's call it a disease. And get funding. And sell drugs
I think they can help a lot of people, in particular unipolar depressives, but I'm one of those guys who tried to fit in. And eventually realised I'd just rather be me. Which is also why I don't agree with the term "disorder".
I generally think drug companies have a lot to answer for. Being diabetic, I've come to the conclusion this disease would have been cured long ago if it wasn't for these companies' vested interests....
I'm on a mission here. According to me, the placebo effect is more efficient that any researched drugs. Nobody knows what causes bipolar "disorder". No bloody wonder, it's a made up condition. According to a university study (forgot which), people who are diagnosed with this have 30% higher traffic between brain cells. So, hey, let's call it a disease. And get funding. And sell drugs
21/06/2010
Got discharged from the NHS "Team Mental", my psychiatrist was pleased with my progress. I'll miss her though, one of the very few people who's clever enough to penetrate my guard without too much trouble. Did challenge her a bit, just for old times sake. When I said I don't think I have an illness, she was suggesting denial. I replied on the contrary, I'm just comfortable with it. It really isn't a disease, it's life.
18/06/2010
OK, time for the big revelation about the meaning of life. The problem is the word "meaning". Why are we trying to attach meaning to anything? The operative word should be joy and happiness. And that doesn't just go for something as intangible as what we've made life (which is basically just anything with a pulse). Look at love, physical activity, great pieces of art and fantastic inventions. There is really no point to any of it. I came to this realisation because I keep getting myself beat up in Kung Fu, and having to "justify" the "meaning" of that to everybody. There isn't any - but it's great fun :)
17/06/2010
Had a sports massage yesterday, when I suddenly froze, got pale and then combusted (not literally). Could have been hypoglycaemia, but it wasn't. Only explanation is really the sudden stop of Sodium Valproate. Would have been very unpleasant, if I wasn't so used to those hypos.....
15/06/2010
I think I'm deliberately tiring my body out, so I haven't got energy to think too much. It somehow seems to work. Some people find 3-4 hours exercise 6 days a week extreme, and my body agrees with them. But I'm sure that to stay in control of my mind, it's the right thing to do. A healthy mind in a knackered (but strong) body? Why not?
14/06/2010
I think that maybe if you stop being confused, you stop living. What's life, but trying to make sense? There's always a new challenge / confusion around the corner. Unless you're ignorant. And I'm not :)
12/06/2010
Mentally pretty good. Physically knackered, sleep is a real problem. That happened last time I dropped the drugs. But the body will get used to it, like it will get used to my new exercise regime
10/06/2010
Getting fed up with how trendy it is to have mental illnesses. Most people who nowadays are just slightly depressed all of a sudden think they should declare they're mentally ill. Not helped by all the do-gooders wanting to fight the stigma of mental illnesses (what stigma???). I have always spoken for personal responsibility (the existentialist in me), don't fall back on thinking you can't help it. Take control. I know how hard it is, but it's true. Also, these people dilute the help for proper "sufferers". I know this is very controversial, and may even seem a bit snobbish (like, ha, I'm proper crazy, you're not crazy enough). But that's the way I feel. And I spent 4 weeks in a mental hospital not long ago, so I know what proper nutcases are like
09/06/2010
Life is open now. Not constrained. Within the next 24 hours I WILL be miserable and stuff. But it's worth it for feeling like this. In control!
08/06/2010
Can feel the effect of stopping the Valproate. Far bouncier, but with my rapid cycle, will have to watch the downfalls. Talked to my psychiatrist about it, she said I was an impossible patient. But I took that as a compliment. She acknowledges I know far too much to let her change my mind, and that my self-awareness makes it more possible to work. Still arranged an appointment, though
07/06/2010
Feel tired - but awake, if that makes sense? Physically tired, as my sleep patterns are still all over the place, but more alert. Of course, one should remember the placebo effect works both ways, so if I decide a drug makes me tired, it will.
05/06/2010
Gone off the meds - why would I want to be a well behaved zombie? Disclaimer to all you other other crazy ones reading this - don't try this at home :)
Remember - this is good for us (Valproate in UK, Depakote in US):
Abdominal or stomach cramps; diarrhoea; hair loss; indigestion; loss of appetite; nausea and vomiting; trembling of hands and arms; unusual weight loss or gain; Clumsiness or unsteadiness; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; headache; skin rash; unusual excitement, restlessness, or irritability; behavioral, mood, or mental changes; increase in seizures; loss of appetite; nausea or vomiting (continuing); spots before eyes; swelling of face; tiredness and weakness; unusual bleeding or bruising; yellow eyes or skin
Above all, though - tiredness and zombification
Remember - this is good for us (Valproate in UK, Depakote in US):
Abdominal or stomach cramps; diarrhoea; hair loss; indigestion; loss of appetite; nausea and vomiting; trembling of hands and arms; unusual weight loss or gain; Clumsiness or unsteadiness; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; headache; skin rash; unusual excitement, restlessness, or irritability; behavioral, mood, or mental changes; increase in seizures; loss of appetite; nausea or vomiting (continuing); spots before eyes; swelling of face; tiredness and weakness; unusual bleeding or bruising; yellow eyes or skin
Above all, though - tiredness and zombification
04/06/2010
Come to the conclusion that I've irrevocably lost my mind. Just have to deal with that now. Should be fun :)
02/06/2010
"Bipolar Disorder comes from forcing yourself to behave in artificial ways, (often fueled by your desire to "fit in"), instead of just letting go of "shoulds" and just being you." Or, as Nietzsche would put it: Become who you are. It's not a disorder. I'm not ill. I just don't fit in
02/06/2010
I'm in good company, some of my favourite composers, writers etc. with bipolar:
Hans Christian Andersen
Mark Twain
Charles Dickens
Robert Louis Stevenson
Piotr Tchaikovsky
Gustav Mahler
Modest Mussorgsky
Sergey Rachmaninoff
Edgar Allan Poe
Vincent van Gogh
Edwin Landseer
But I'm still me. Just because some bipolars were geniuses, doesn't mean I am (I am, but that's beside the point :)). And also - they may be extraordinarily gifted, but were they happy?
I find it a contradiction in terms to compare myself to the great (and also the not-so-great), as my ultimate purpose is to find myself, and live according to me.
Hans Christian Andersen
Mark Twain
Charles Dickens
Robert Louis Stevenson
Piotr Tchaikovsky
Gustav Mahler
Modest Mussorgsky
Sergey Rachmaninoff
Edgar Allan Poe
Vincent van Gogh
Edwin Landseer
But I'm still me. Just because some bipolars were geniuses, doesn't mean I am (I am, but that's beside the point :)). And also - they may be extraordinarily gifted, but were they happy?
I find it a contradiction in terms to compare myself to the great (and also the not-so-great), as my ultimate purpose is to find myself, and live according to me.
02/06/2010
And if I do decide to go off drugs, I found this very helpful "bipolar safety sheet". It will be dangerous, but I can't bear feeling trapped! I will discuss it with other people first
01/06/2010
Another tired day. Feel OK, but constantly sleepy. I am increasingly getting disenfranchised with drugs, and will start to look into other things. Therapy is a winner, I'm sure, but it'd be irresponsible and stupid to just drop the drugs.
01/06/2010
OK, I'm pretty good. Need to spend more time doing sensible things, but unless you're a teacher, nurse or something like that, you can't really spend too long in the same job! Might make a fortune, and go back to university
30/05/2010
Had a busy day at work. And found it invigorating. A huge part of my problem is my lack of focus and goals, if I'm busy I'm usually happy enough
29/05/2010
At the stage where I want to get rid of the drugs, but I think I owe it to other people (if not myself) to stick with it for a while. But I am investigating founding my own nation for deranged people like myself, who can do what we want :)
29/05/2010
Can I not just proclaim myself a tortured genius, and quit society? It seemed to work for Nietzsche
To be fair, it didn't really work that well for good old Nietzsche. Spent the last 10 years of his life as an insane recluse
To be fair, it didn't really work that well for good old Nietzsche. Spent the last 10 years of his life as an insane recluse
28/05/2010
I feel lonely. I was adament i would not make the same mistakes again. Been through the same cycle time after time and will probably do the same again. I always think it's gonna be different. Moving to devon, now moving to Exeter. New relationships. But I make the same mistakes. Like it's been ingrained and I can't escape.
27/05/2010
Had a couple of grand ideas last night. One was to bash a mirror, another was to grab an axe from the shed, run across to the neighbour's garden and start chopping down trees. Not that I have an issue with the trees, it just seemed like a really good idea at the time. I would say fortunately I only acted on one of the impulses (yep, another 7 years of bad luck), but it was a close call. Felling trees in the dark and rain in someone else's garden was tempting. And that's me ON drugs.....
26/05/2010
I'm so drugged up I'm nearly normal now. But normal is boring. What a conundrum. Is pursuing a settled life useful for me? I miss the highs (NOT the lows). But of course the highs are proportional to the lows. What is the solution???
26/05/2010
Want to ditch all my medication to feel alive and awake again. Just have to remember what happened last time I did that..... And what the hell is the point in antidepressants if they make you feel tired? I get depressed when tired!!!
25/05/2010
Maybe it is true that mental health is just an "excuse" for people who don't function properly. I have always postulated that I would never use mine as an excuse, but is that true? It would be a sad world where people don't take responsibility for their actions, instead claiming they can't help it, and society should have looked after them. Not quite sure how to formulate this. Maybe I'm just a bit disillusioned with self-help groups and people jumping on the crazy bandwagon? And what constitutes madness anyway? As I said at the very beginning, I seem pretty normal, if edgy and arrogant, to people who don't know me. I don't (often) run around the street screaming. Mine's mainly internal. Does that count?
25/05/2010
Wonder how much I cost the NHS, with my expensive insulin, mood stabilisers and anti-depressants. Not to mention the mental health teams and psychiatrist. If Nick'n'Dave find out, they'll probably send MI5 out to get me....
23/05/2010
Duloxetine (Cymbalta). Been on it for a month and a bit, and don't like it. Makes me tired, fat and wrecks my sleep patterns. Seeing the shrink tomorrow, gonna ask for some NRI medication. Wonder what she'll think.... Probably that I'm a smart-arse telling her what I need :)
22/05/2010
I feel more polarised - the more I know what I want, the less I want to communicate with "normal" people. They just aren't worthy of my time. However, I'm digging a hole for myself here, as that includes anyone I don't know. And I do want to make new friends.
On a medical note, my new drugs make me tired. I will have to change before I decide it'd be better without them. I'm heavily drugged just now, and it makes me bearable. But I want to be free from drugs. It isn't an option, unfortunately, unless I join scientology. And, erm, no!
On a medical note, my new drugs make me tired. I will have to change before I decide it'd be better without them. I'm heavily drugged just now, and it makes me bearable. But I want to be free from drugs. It isn't an option, unfortunately, unless I join scientology. And, erm, no!
22/05/2010
I'm on a mission to see how many mental health issues I can claim. So far I've got bipolar, Asperger's and psychosis (yes, really... Find the right test, you'll get diagnosed with anything)
Yeah, I scored a cool 59 out of 60 on Bipolar :). But whereas these tests are interesting, they're not exactly helpful. With this array of issues going on, I think I could be excused if I just gave up as a lost cause. It takes someone of my stubbornness not to do that
Yeah, I scored a cool 59 out of 60 on Bipolar :). But whereas these tests are interesting, they're not exactly helpful. With this array of issues going on, I think I could be excused if I just gave up as a lost cause. It takes someone of my stubbornness not to do that
19/05/2010
Let's talk about Asperger's syndrome. From Wikipedia:
"The lack of demonstrated empathy is the most dysfunctional aspect of AS. Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity. For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions. This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive."
I have hereby self-diagnosed myself (again) :). Even if it's a mild form of the condition, I really have very little time for most of my fellow species. But I'm very passionate about the things I do enjoy, and the friends I do have.
The plot thickens - scored 135 in this, which means "You are very likely an Aspie" Love that term... Are you: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php?
"The lack of demonstrated empathy is the most dysfunctional aspect of AS. Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity. For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions. This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive."
I have hereby self-diagnosed myself (again) :). Even if it's a mild form of the condition, I really have very little time for most of my fellow species. But I'm very passionate about the things I do enjoy, and the friends I do have.
The plot thickens - scored 135 in this, which means "You are very likely an Aspie" Love that term... Are you: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php?
18/05/2010
I'm quite often a lonely guy. I have to take responsibility for that, as I prefer my own company to at least 95% of people. I hate small talk, and inane questions such as "how are you?" from someone I don't know. I will judge you within a few minutes, and that judgement will prevail in nearly all cases.
I don't know whether that's a bad thing. It would be great if I could enjoy more people's company (in the same way that it'd be great if I liked broccoli - apparently it's good for you...) But I just don't. Most people bore me, and I wouldn't miss them if they disappeared. Harsh, maybe, but true. Life is too short to spend with boring people. So for anyone spending time with me, you've obviously passed the test :)
I think that most good things get you into trouble to begin with - until you learn it's not trouble, it's just the way things are. So my honesty always gets me into trouble, and keeps spoiling relationships ("does my bum look big in this?" "erm, yeah, massive...").
But what I (and you) see as honesty is what other people see as arrogance and insensitivity. The next topic I will tackle here will be Asperger's syndrome, I've been told more than once I show signs of this.... Watch this space :)
Whoops, down to 80 FB mateys..... Just deleted half my friends, but I'm just practising what I preach. If I'm not interested in them, and they're not interested in me, why be friends? Even if it's only online?
I don't know whether that's a bad thing. It would be great if I could enjoy more people's company (in the same way that it'd be great if I liked broccoli - apparently it's good for you...) But I just don't. Most people bore me, and I wouldn't miss them if they disappeared. Harsh, maybe, but true. Life is too short to spend with boring people. So for anyone spending time with me, you've obviously passed the test :)
I think that most good things get you into trouble to begin with - until you learn it's not trouble, it's just the way things are. So my honesty always gets me into trouble, and keeps spoiling relationships ("does my bum look big in this?" "erm, yeah, massive...").
But what I (and you) see as honesty is what other people see as arrogance and insensitivity. The next topic I will tackle here will be Asperger's syndrome, I've been told more than once I show signs of this.... Watch this space :)
Whoops, down to 80 FB mateys..... Just deleted half my friends, but I'm just practising what I preach. If I'm not interested in them, and they're not interested in me, why be friends? Even if it's only online?
18/05/2010
I'm clearly not OK. Am I happy? Sort of. Or am I? Random seems to rule just now. See, someone, somewhere will read this. My enlightenment is just a low energy bulb so far
18/05/2010
Can physical and mental depression be distinguished? I fell OK in my head, but lethargic in my body. This can largely be explained by my random insomnia and the quite serious amount of drugs I'm taking. Of course, even if you do separate them, as I try, they'll feed each other. Bastards.
16/05/2010
How do emotions exist when we're made up from purely physical building blocks. Of course, that means that bipolars, mass murderers and autistic people had their Lego bricks placed slightly differently.
What I'm getting at is that the human body is entirely tangible, the brain included, so what makes us irrational? In theory, depending on your construction, any outcome of any situation can be predicted. The old answer is to keep us alive, from escaping a bear because of fear. Love can be explained rationally as well, as you want someone to look after you when you're old.
Antonio Damasio, brain researcher, says: “Emotions are not the intangible and vaporous qualities that many presume them to be. Brain systems work together to give us emotions just as they do with sight and smell.” I disagree. Discuss!
What I'm getting at is that the human body is entirely tangible, the brain included, so what makes us irrational? In theory, depending on your construction, any outcome of any situation can be predicted. The old answer is to keep us alive, from escaping a bear because of fear. Love can be explained rationally as well, as you want someone to look after you when you're old.
Antonio Damasio, brain researcher, says: “Emotions are not the intangible and vaporous qualities that many presume them to be. Brain systems work together to give us emotions just as they do with sight and smell.” I disagree. Discuss!
14/05/2010
How can it be that the more one tries to relax, the more difficult it becomes? I didn't actually eat any books in the end, but nearly ran several people off the road....
14/05/2010
Angry and itching for a fight.... All my buddhist text books can f*** off, I'll eat them and spit them out. Just goes to show that even if you technically agree with something, doesn't always make it right for you
12/05/2010
In a rush - for what? Need to refocus, not that I sort of found myself, I need to put less emphasis on philosophical musings, and actually do something about it. Not sure where this will lead me, but maybe I should just sit back and relax a bit? But I can't. Again, one solution seems to bring its own problems.
11/05/2010
My input here is directly proportional to my mood. When I'm in full flow, I'm at either end of the spectrum. Right now I'm neither here nor there, and it is actually a bit frustrating to be "normal"
09/05/2010
Well....... Ok.... Good news - managed to find the meaning of life. Bad news - can't share it with you. You need to find it yourself. Not easy, but it is there, so keep looking
08/05/2010
I think I've read and commented more than an entire university. Maybe I'll just sit down with a fiction novel and a glass of wine :)
07/05/2010
Confused, random, incomprehensible and challenging. Think that describes both me and the election :)
05/05/2010
Unsurprisingly, a visit to my therapist calmed me down. Just by talking about things. A timely reminder that I'm am far from "salvaged"
04/05/2010
Mental health and martial arts. I have been training Western style kick-boxing for a while now (just switched to Sanshou Kung Fu, Chinese style kick boxing). In the beginning it was to able to kick arse, and for physical benefit. I am a reasonably strong and fit guy, so would be able to handle myself in most situations. I guess trying to be better than others and my general competitiveness means that this is still the case. But these days, I also appreciate the philosophy behind it. But let me into a ring, and I'll thirst for blood, which in many cases makes me a worse fighter. So yeah, martial arts can help, I just need to appreciate the self control aspect a lot more. Enter "Pushing Hands", an internal martial arts. Like a hardcore Tai Chi, it may just prove the perfect foil for my aggression?
04/05/2010
Now, what do I want from relationships? I have discussed this on previous occasions, but want to broaden the scope to in clude friends and family, not just girlfriends. I've never been interested in small talk, conversations have to take place on my level. Which I arrogantly believe is higher than most other's. But as my mum tells me constantly, you often need to engage in small talk before the conversation becomes interesting. I have never had a lot of friends, down to my shyness, but also because I blank people I don't find interesting. I easily gett annoyed with people, and actively avaoid them, so they don't start talking boring stuff to me. I engage with very few. New goal, which I've tried before without success, is to be interested in less interesting people. Which is a bigger challenge for me than climbing Mount Everest! But here goes
02/05/2010
Embracing the inner child. A recurring theme in all the material I'm reading. The one who was left behind, and tries to come to the forefront in daily life, and is a source of dissatisfaction. Not going into detail here, check out wikipedia and John Bradshaw.
However, must be careful about myself pre-enlightenment, i.e. not ignore or leave behind what is very much still part of me.
However, must be careful about myself pre-enlightenment, i.e. not ignore or leave behind what is very much still part of me.
02/05/2010
A wee update, not much news. Which is fine, really. Just forcing myself to comment here every day, for better and for worse. A bit lethargic, feel I should be exercising, but can't be bothered. But MTBing tomorrow, and KFing Tues, Thurs and Friday so not a huge disaster.
01/05/2010
Remember.... When I'm fully "functional", I can come across as arrogant and condescending as hell. I'm not really.
30/04/2010
Am I the only one who thinks that self-pity is the most debilitating factor of mental health? All the talk about ending stigma and offer support is well and good, but I fear it creates an atmosphere of "oh, I can't help it anyway". All the support I've received has been appreciated, but until I took charge of the situation, it was pretty useless. You exist. You decide your destiny. If you consider your state to be a disease that can be fixed, you're stuck! Embrace it, and seek the appropriate therapy and meds! Rant over :)
30/04/2010
A new theory.... Sodium Valproate (which I'm on) is used to treat both bipolar and epilepsy. Makes sense, in a way - if you see an epileptic fit, it looks a bit like how my mind works...... Maybe epilepsy is external bipolar?
29/04/2010
"If you don't have garbage, you have nothing to use in order to make compost. And if you have no compost, you have nothing to flourish the flower inside you" Buddhist wisdom
"I've broken a LOT of eggs, but damn, that omelette looks good" Morten wisdom
"I've broken a LOT of eggs, but damn, that omelette looks good" Morten wisdom
29/04/2010
Just had a long chat with a fellow bipolar (friends through bipolar badge of honour, funnily enough) - great to talk to someone who feels the same, and don't have to understand the condition! We look too sane to the general public to be understood, I suppose. But then, don't want to be condescended, so that's fine with me!
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