25/08/2011

I believe we all follow the path of least resistance. At least what we think is offering the least resistance. For me, that is worrying about things, and wanting to change the world, rather than standing by and watch/ignore. It seems to be very cumbersome, but less so than living with the consequences of having done nothing.

24/08/2011

Why do I expect so much from myself? Why do I spend so long ruminating? A little ignorance would be nice occasionally. Mind, I think I'm often considered ignorant, but I rarely am. Most things are heavily considered.

18/08/2011

I'm on a mission to exclude violence from my life. That includes news, films, tv, books etc. This is of course to influence my own behaviour. So watching a lot of property shows these days :)

14/08/2011

I am torn. On one hand I seek the wisdom of Taoism and Buddhism, which encourages patience, grace, going with the flow, give up on anger and most of all, live in the present. I often want to change myself to live by that code.

On the other hand, I'm a great admirer of Nietzsche's, who want me to be who I am, accept who I am, do what is right for me.

I'm not a natural Taoist, instead I'm angry, philosophising, volatile, proud, and have equal feelings of superiority and inferiority. And I often want to change the world to fit my image of it.

The only solution I see is to temper my more ferocious bouts of emotion by reading. But I can't be both myself and a born again Taoist, so is this way dividing me more than unifying me?

14/08/2011

I guess I'm just a few changes in my brain composition away from being a complete genius - or a complete madman. Either might still happen, fingers crossed for the first :)

13/08/2011

I always feel more should be achieved than is. With everything I've got going for me, I should really do better in a lot of respects. But then, sometimes it's possible to think that more is being achieved than I appreciate. But still struggling with thinking my potential hasn't been fulfilled. Then again, life would be boring without new challenges...

13/08/2011

External influences are taking a larger part in determining my mood than they used to. I guess that goes with sorting your own brain out, it let's "nurture" get a higher part than "nature". In other words, nature vs nurture is definitely not set in stone, they can both be changed.

30/07/2011

Can't believe this blog has been going for nearly a year and a half. If you sort of discount the few months where nothing was written.... Well, haven't had a major depression or hyper episode for a long time, that's the good news. On the other hand, still not feeling at peace, still haven't been very successful at many things, still feel I should be doing a lot better. But I do have a lot more confidence in that it can be done, only a matter of time.

27/07/2011

Mental health issues are all about having a slightly skewed view on the world and society. Be it hearing voices, having obsessive thoughts, suddenly thinking ridiculous things. But also thinking that you can make a difference. What Anders Breivik did was entirely awful, some people just don't know when to stop. I agree with nothing he said, wrote or did, but can empathise with the scenario where your mind takes you over.

24/03/2011

OK, long time, no see. I still have a lot to say, but have diversified a bit. Just want to say how important it is to find something you like doing. The amount of time you spend working, you better find something you like. Not exactly news, but it's so important it deserves to be repeated. Quagmires will happily welcome you

13/01/2011

To be happy with myself has come with the cost of being less happy with others. Are these modes inextricably linked, or can I coexist with others whilst being happy with myself? Hmmmm....

22/12/2010

This hermit existence does require that you enjoy your own company. These days I do.

22/12/2010

Very few updates lately. That's because things are going pretty well. It really is as simple as being happy with yourself, and to live in the present instead of worrying about the future

29/11/2010

Can't control my temper - but that's mainly OK, usually only directed towards people who deserve it

26/11/2010

If I stopped taking so many stands, my life would probably be easy. And boring....

22/11/2010

Anger is such a powerful and seductive emotion

05/11/2010

Don't tell me I have a disease or illness. I don't, it's just a label for people who are too stupid to understand me :)

31/10/2010

Everything in my life seems to be linked to what I'd call the external acknowledgement factor. For relationships, it's about being with a pretty girl, so the outside world can say wow, well done. In martial arts, it's about getting a black belt so the outside world can say wow, well done. In work life, the titles of manager/director will make the outside world say wow, well done. And so on. Currently I'm single, train in a martial arts that doesn't give out belts, and when people ask what I do for a living, I never give them a straight answer as I'm not entirely sure. This may well be the way for me, so not complaining. But part of me still want a black belt in something

29/10/2010

Always trying to get to the next level. In theory, I'm a great supporter of Buddhism, live and enjoy the present. But my naturally competitive instinct makes me want to be better. It is much better controlled now, but I still get scared of competitive events. In my case, beating people up in a ring. Not scared of the pain. Just scared of thinking I haven't done well enough, and thinking I should do better. Can't stand defeat, unless it's by someone who's clearly better than me. Not too many of those around.

24/10/2010

I have faced the imaginary gun (high bridge/slitted wrists/painkillers) many times. But for whatever reason, I can't take it seriously. Always thought that life is worth living. For those that don't - call me first. Let's talk

21/10/2010

Just thinking - even if you're not psychotic, you might well be?

17/10/2010

Am I doomed (blessed?) to be single for eternity? When thinking about it, whenever I have gone into a relationship, it has been with the best intentions. THIS time it'll be different sort of thinking. I think I'm mentally a lot healthier when I'm on my own, it cuts off all the paranoia, jealousy and anxiety. So what do I go and do? Yep, create an dating website for crazy people. Hey, there's a need out there - 1,200 members so far! But not for me, thank you very much.....

15/10/2010

Been told I look like I'm doing well, confident and happy. But then people only get an impression of me when i feel well. When not, I don't talk about myself. Actually, I rarely talk at all when like that. So definitely a skewed perspective

13/10/2010

Funny - 8 months ago when this blog started, and I was a complete mess, all of this mental health was a big issue. Read enough philosophy, psychology and wikipedia to get a doctorate. Now, having to a large extent accepted myself and done what I set out to do - i.e. become who I am - I find a lot of the discussions going on in mental health groups banal. To be fair, they were very useful when I was down, some support, some suggestions, etc. Does this mean I'm cured? Hell no, crazy as ever. Just sane about my craziness

26/09/2010

A broken body and healthy spirit is better than the other way round. Scarred, bruised and broken bones from top to toe. It makes you feel alive. And thanks to ibuprofen, it's bearable as well :). My new theory is that you can condition your ody to repair itself. I'm rarely without a bleeding wound or something broken (mainly thanks to mtb and sparring), so my body has to work overtime to fix itself. Funnily enough, haven't had a cold for ages. Go figure

26/09/2010

If a well organised person was in charge of my brain, world domination should be easy.

05/09/2010

I keep trying to beat myself up. Whenever something goes awry (which it often does in my life), I always have this nagging feeling that I'm just not good enough. I just want a success story, really

26/08/2010

On my website there seem to be a common theme of loneliness (shared by me). Well, I sort of knew that, it was the whole point of the site.

I would go so far as to say that you're not lonely because of mental health issues, rather you have mental health issues because you're lonely. Discuss....

25/08/2010

Sometimes it just takes a wee thing to make the world right. A sip of Bruichladdich 17yo, for instance.....

24/08/2010

So, the biggest news today in mental health land - some random woman got booted off some random talent show because of mental health issues. According to the Sun..... This is highly irrelevant to me, but what gets me is that all the mental health charities are up in arms about the style of reporting. Come on guys, it's a cheap tabloid. Their main aim is to provoke to get more people to look at their "paper"/website. And all of you willingly oblige by posting links to the article. So guess how many people you've sent to their website today? And on to their advertisers? Fight ignorance with ignorance!

22/08/2010

No updates for a while - that doesn't mean I've gone sane, though. But as my hero Brian Nielsen (world famous (in Denmark) heavyweight boxer) once said when asked if it doesn't hurt getting hit all the time: it only hurts one place at a time. My body is a right mess, broken rib, bruised and scarred legs and took another good hit to my knee today when cycling. That sort of distract your thoughts, and honestly, physical pain is usually preferable to mental pain. I suppose I'm even more anti-social than usual, could be a self-fulfilling prophesy as I have decided I'm not good with most other people?

12/08/2010

Bipolar / Borderline Personality. Red wine / White wine. Beef / Lamb. I don't have to choose. I can have it all.

11/08/2010

Sometimes, I just have the urge to fight. Anybody. Anywhere. I don't know why, I have no axes to grind. It must just be programmed into my personality

09/08/2010

Maybe not surprising, but still amazing how lack of exercise for just 3 days can make me lethargic and grumpy. Was fortunately able to do a bit of light training tonight

04/08/2010

So much of my mood is down to external factors. I really need to be able to control it internally...

03/08/2010

Does anyone else feel you can be yourself on FB in a way you can't in real life? I mean, interesting conversations without all the small talk, people who understand you, no limits on where people you speak to are. And some completely left-field suggestions that just might not be mentioned in real life?

02/08/2010

I love these instant mood swings. All of a sudden I can take on the world. Who cares what kind of depression will follow, I'M ALIVE NOW! And no, I'm not pissed.....

02/08/2010

I know I keep reminding everybody that you should be who you are, that I'm not ill, that you shouldn't be ignorant and that you need the lows to get the highs. But sometimes I do wish I was just normal, getting on with my boring life and be happy about it. Every day I see people; young, old, fat, thin, pretty, ugly - all just looking quite content. I have chosen my path, for better or worse. But don't for a second think I don't doubt it every step of the way.....

31/07/2010

Maybe it isn't fair of me to lecture everybody about the do's and dont's of psychiatric drugs. For starters, I'm bipolar, which means I often see the world as an absolutely brilliant place. And when I'm down, I can still visualize that place. Drugs can be good, if only because of the placebo effect. But I still hate them, and will never go back! Well..... Morphine was quite interesting, I'd like some more of that (for all the saddos monitoring FB - it was in hospital, my knee was open!)

30/07/2010

There are so many things I want to do, but I must focus just now. I can't be a Buddhist monk, live in a teepee on the moors, control my websites and the hotel, write philosophical works, climb Mont Blanc, train in the gym, be a Kung Fu master and go MTBing in the Alps. Well, not at the same time anyway

28/07/2010

Pretty severe mood swings going on. Mainly downwards at the moment. But as long I hold on to my belief that you need a low before you can have a high, I'll be fine. Well, maybe not fine, but better than most depressed people