Posts
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Follow this blog
If you interested in the further adventures of me, or know someone who is, why not follow the blog? Click on the link to your right
Diabetes and Mental Health
There is one thing I haven't mentioned at all, which can be pretty significant. I'm type 1 diabetic as well (since I was 2), and whereas that's a physical disease, the onset of hypoglycemia can cause extreme problems mentally. I've previously mentioned psychotic episodes, both were under the influence of low blood sugar.
Well.... I'm generally happy with bipolar, but would give my right arm for a diabetes cure! Would like to post a link - but it's very unexplored. Seems most articles are about how hypos resemble mental illnesses (I'd say learning disability), not that they actually trigger severe mood swings and psychosis. Hmmmm..... Another thing I should look into. I can't be the only one!
And time for a little rant: don't EVER call diabetes a lifestyle disease. I didn't choose it, and it has nearly killed me on several occasions. And I'm in significantly better physical shape than most non-sufferers!
Well.... I'm generally happy with bipolar, but would give my right arm for a diabetes cure! Would like to post a link - but it's very unexplored. Seems most articles are about how hypos resemble mental illnesses (I'd say learning disability), not that they actually trigger severe mood swings and psychosis. Hmmmm..... Another thing I should look into. I can't be the only one!
And time for a little rant: don't EVER call diabetes a lifestyle disease. I didn't choose it, and it has nearly killed me on several occasions. And I'm in significantly better physical shape than most non-sufferers!
Monday 26/04
Pretty good day, until I nearly poisoned myself with extremely strong chilli. Should have paid attention to the warning label....
3 good things:
1. Wrote a 6 page business plan for my new venture
2. Had a blast MTBing at Haldon
3. I think I've finally started liking myself
3 good things:
1. Wrote a 6 page business plan for my new venture
2. Had a blast MTBing at Haldon
3. I think I've finally started liking myself
Sunday 25/04
Thought I wanted to be in a relationship. But I'm also glad being single. Go figure..... Bipolar disorder anyone?
Enneagram and relationships:
"Fours long for an ideal mate or partner. They will often project this role onto new acquaintances, idealizing them and fantasizing about the wonderful life they will have together. Unfortunately, as Fours get to know the person better, they become disenchanted, realizing that the other is not the "good parent" who will rescue them from all their problems. He or she is just another human being with flaws and shortcomings. The other’s "blemishes" soon become the focus of the Four’s attention, and they lose interest in the person. Before long they are back to their search and fantasizing again, but generally with less hope of finding the person "of their dreams.""
Yes, guilt as charged.....
Like Groucho Marx said: "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER". Move on to a bigger challenge, eh? Not very sustainable.....
Enneagram and relationships:
"Fours long for an ideal mate or partner. They will often project this role onto new acquaintances, idealizing them and fantasizing about the wonderful life they will have together. Unfortunately, as Fours get to know the person better, they become disenchanted, realizing that the other is not the "good parent" who will rescue them from all their problems. He or she is just another human being with flaws and shortcomings. The other’s "blemishes" soon become the focus of the Four’s attention, and they lose interest in the person. Before long they are back to their search and fantasizing again, but generally with less hope of finding the person "of their dreams.""
Yes, guilt as charged.....
Like Groucho Marx said: "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER". Move on to a bigger challenge, eh? Not very sustainable.....
Sunday 25/04
Whilst I generally disagree with being put in a box, the Enneagram theory seems to successfully divide us humans into nine groups. There are of course overlaps, but my description is so spot on it's scary. I suppose it's all about how certain character traits triggers certain behaviours. Have a look, it's very interesting. Does this look familiar to anyone who knows me? And this Enneagram isn't a new fad, it's been promoted by Plato, Socrates and others. If you're trying to find youself, there are a lot worse places to start!
Saturday 24/04
I don't want to be cured. I don't want to follow society's rules of conformity. I'm me, and I'm proud of it. Of course, need to try to be less of a tw** to other people - so to anyone who reads this, let me know if I am. Do to others as you want done to yourself. Thanks Jesus :). I'm not religious of course, but religion is just like a coarse life philosophy, so there's a lot of good stuff there
Friday 23/04
Ok, I've set the wheels in motion! Let's look at this in six months. I'll be the one driving the Ferrari. I need to sustain my flashes of brilliance
Friday 23/04
Jung said you have to appriciate yourself before you can appreciate others. Of course, that also means before they appreciate me. Well, now I appreciate me, so bring on the world!
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Life is still (always) good. I have so much going for me, just need to keep myself alive now. Still not suicidal, but taking risks is so exciting. Could I ever live with a "sane" person? More to the point, could she ever live with me? Probably not. Am I alone thinking this? Probably not. This realisation may lead to something significant. I'll keep you posted
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Read in reverse!
Ok, this blog was actually started on Facebook, so what I post goes back to 17th March. All this didn't happen in one go! From now on it'll be updated daily here.
Feel pretty well generally. Now, how to do this for a sustained period? Really not sure. My therapists are happy with me, the drugs are working fine so far, my new Kung Fu classes seems very good and hopefully at least one of my many projects will pick up. That bloody volcane has caused a few problems, but since there ...is absolutely bugger all I can do about it, it doesn't worry me
Thursday 15/04
People who are close to me can still make me explode immediately (despite not trying to). Anger management is next on the agenda. Just got to realise people no longer understand me as well as I understand myself. I expect to be understood by anyone reading this, but it was never going to be that easy. Outside of face / philosophy books, the anger still rages. Just takes a spark to set it alight. Anger is a drug as well, once you're rolling, it's nearly impossible to stop. It’s powerful.
Wednesday 14/04
1. Got all the Edgemoor work done, nothing outstanding
2. Sorted out the "whisky Problem"
3. Tidied my desk (sort of)
4. Going kickboxing. Woohoo
2. Sorted out the "whisky Problem"
3. Tidied my desk (sort of)
4. Going kickboxing. Woohoo
Wednesday 14/04
I once upon a time studied philosophy at university. Back then it was interesting. Now it makes sense.
Wednesday 14/04
Sometimes, no, all the time I think about my reasons for doing this, trying to get better. Is it so I can prove it to myself? To the world and be admired? Be a big philanthropist who can help others in the same situation? To get my own back against those I feel have slighted me (or even to prove to those I have done wrong that I'm pretty good despite all)? Or just to live a peaceful happy existence?
The answer is of course all of the above. Some of them are objectionable, but all designed to make me happy with who I am. But the "revenge" aspect worries me. It is still prevalent. As is my anger. And as much as the great philosophers and Dizzee Rascal concur with me, it is in real life the tests will come.
The answer is of course all of the above. Some of them are objectionable, but all designed to make me happy with who I am. But the "revenge" aspect worries me. It is still prevalent. As is my anger. And as much as the great philosophers and Dizzee Rascal concur with me, it is in real life the tests will come.
Wednesday 14/04
Hardly any sleep, grumpy, tired, miserable. Let's call it a case of two steps forward, and one back. Still get fits of jealousy, resentment, hatred of things that are now entirely irrelevant. And want to prove to certain people that they don't deserve me (an aspect of revenge?). Nearly entirely unhelpful thoughts, but they create part of me, so I must accept them, and use the energy they create. Suppose Rome is still being built???
Wednesday 14/04
Hardly any sleep, grumpy, tired, miserable. Let's call it a case of two steps forward, and one back. Still get fits of jealousy, resentment, hatred of things that are now entirely irrelevant. And want to prove to certain people that they don't deserve me (an aspect of revenge?). Nearly entirely unhelpful thoughts, but they create part of me, so I must accept them, and use the energy they create. Suppose Rome is still being built???
Tuesday 13/04
Tuesday 13/04
Next in line: Carl Jung
-Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.
-Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.
-Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.
-The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.
-The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
-As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
-There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotions.
-A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.
-Great talents are the most lovely and often the most dangerous fruits on the tree of humanity. They hang upon the most slender twigs that are easily snapped off.
-In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.
-It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.
-Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
-Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.
-Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
-Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-Shrinking away from death is something unhealthy and abnormal which robs the second half of life of its purpose.
-The debt we owe to the play of imagination is incalculable.
-The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.
-The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong.
-The word “happiness” would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
-There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
-We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
-Who has fully realized that history is not contained in thick books but lives in our very blood?
-Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Next in line: Carl Jung
-Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.
-Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.
-Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.
-The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.
-The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
-As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
-There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotions.
-A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.
-Great talents are the most lovely and often the most dangerous fruits on the tree of humanity. They hang upon the most slender twigs that are easily snapped off.
-In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.
-It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.
-Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
-Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.
-Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
-Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-Shrinking away from death is something unhealthy and abnormal which robs the second half of life of its purpose.
-The debt we owe to the play of imagination is incalculable.
-The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.
-The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong.
-The word “happiness” would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
-There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
-We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
-Who has fully realized that history is not contained in thick books but lives in our very blood?
-Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Monday 12/04
So far I have quoted Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Sartre, Buddha and other great philosophers. Next up is, erm.... Dizzee Rascal:
"Some people think I'm bonkers
But I just think I'm free
Man, I'm just living my life"
So going a few days back, and thinking that you shouldn't combat anger with more anger. Being at war is destructive. I must make peace with myself. I have been fighting myself (and anyone who got in the firing line) forever. I am who I am. Fundamentally that will never change. So, thanks Buddha and Dizzee.
"Some people think I'm bonkers
But I just think I'm free
Man, I'm just living my life"
So going a few days back, and thinking that you shouldn't combat anger with more anger. Being at war is destructive. I must make peace with myself. I have been fighting myself (and anyone who got in the firing line) forever. I am who I am. Fundamentally that will never change. So, thanks Buddha and Dizzee.
Monday 12/04
1. Pretty good job interview. I either scared them, or made them think they can't live without me. Par for the course, then :)
2. A day of physical work, laying the foundation for our new gazebo
3. Out MTBing!!!! Woohoo
2. A day of physical work, laying the foundation for our new gazebo
3. Out MTBing!!!! Woohoo
Sunday 11/04
Getting bogged down in philosophy and metaphysics? For now, yeah, but I need a better understanding of myself, something tangible, before taking my leap of faith. Once again, thanks Kierkegaard :). Funny how us Danes can agree on certain things.... Last week - religion. This week - existentialism. Never - predictable
Sunday 11/04
Kierkegaard described angst as unfocused fear. When a man looks over the edge of a cliff or building, a focused fear of falling is experienced, but at the same time, so is the terrifying impulse to throw oneself intentionally off the edge. That experience is dreadful because of our complete freedom to choose to either... throw oneself off or to stay put. The mere fact that one has the possibility and freedom to do something, even the most terrifying of possibilities, triggers immense feelings of dread. This is our "dizziness of freedom".
Sunday 11/04
"Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components. These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry. Anxiety is a generalized mood condition that can often occur... without an identifiable triggering stimulus. As such, it is distinguished from fear, which occurs in the presence of an observed threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviours of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats that are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable."
Sunday 11/04
Today's first lesson: don't combat anger with yet more hatred and self loathing, transform it with wisdom and compassion.
Saturday 10/04
Ok, 3 happy thoughts:
1. Was busy most of the day, and actually did some decent work
2. Managed to fit in a weights session
3. Erm.... Remembered my dad's birthday? :)
4. Generally calm day, not much in the way of mood swings. Very unusual. In theory, my sodium valproate should start working around now
5. Been nice and charming to every single customer today. Now, that's probably a first???
1. Was busy most of the day, and actually did some decent work
2. Managed to fit in a weights session
3. Erm.... Remembered my dad's birthday? :)
4. Generally calm day, not much in the way of mood swings. Very unusual. In theory, my sodium valproate should start working around now
5. Been nice and charming to every single customer today. Now, that's probably a first???
Saturday 10/04
Is naming your extremes a step towards recovery? I mean, "Mr Crazy" and "Mr Pathetic"? Maybe I should start a new run of Mr Men books for the clinically insane? "One day, as Mr Paranoid Schizophrenic was murdering his alleged alien neighbours, Little Miss Social Anxiety Disorder decided to build a new cave". Yeah, that sort of thing. Could be a winner?
Friday 09/03
I can now physically grab hold of angry thoughts and things that piss me off. And throw them away. Well, maybe not physically, that'd be dangerous to whomever I threw them at...... But it feels like it.
Friday 09/03
Good things!!!
1. Didn't climb the neighbour's tree, even if it was very tempting!!!
2. Didn't get pissed at Exeter Food Fair
3. Made a clean cut with PUMA, ready for a new challenge
1. Didn't climb the neighbour's tree, even if it was very tempting!!!
2. Didn't get pissed at Exeter Food Fair
3. Made a clean cut with PUMA, ready for a new challenge
Friday 09/03
Mr Crazy is telling me to climb the 100ft tree across the road. And hell, do I want to.... Restraint, moderation and sensibility..... Got to remember before it's too late. I'm not a monkey....
Friday 09/03
Funny this.... Had a great day, people like me, everything is going well. All I can think of is self-destruction. Beating myself up. Again, funny, won't do it mentally now. Too aware. So trying physically. Would rip my skin off if I could, but some voice deep down says no. Extremely agitated. In a very destructive mood. Going for a run. Into some stone walls.
Thursday 09/03
Increasingly get the feeling I'm not just two, but three persons, vying for control of my mind. The objective scientist studying this condition (and is writing just now), and the two loonies on either side literally trying to knock down my sensibility. Always there in the background, waiting for a weak moment to seize me. 6 weeks ago, I wouldn't see it clearly at all, just let whatever mood take me. However, split personality is not the case, this involves "Each personality is separate with its own memory and each lacks the awareness of the other personality".
Thursday 08/04
There is no point in aiming to be normal, if that's not what you desire. Curbing excesses is the way forward. I am 97.4% certain I would be dead by now if those polar extremes didn't keep each other in check. The depressed me would commit suicide, the bonkers me would not accept that things weren't possible, and would test a homemade nuclear plant or something equally stupid. So instead of going from 0%-100%, I can aim for, say, 10%-90%, then 40%-80%. Still on the side of craziness, mind, because my current frame of mind says that's where I want to be, and I wouldn't accept anything else. You can call this my mental methadone...
Thursday 08/04
1. A "wet" day yesterday, but stayed just on the right side of getting drunk.
2. Managed to snap out of the past and rumination 90% of the time
3. Feel pretty good about myself, but strangely calm. Think this is what I'm really supposed to be like generally :)
2. Managed to snap out of the past and rumination 90% of the time
3. Feel pretty good about myself, but strangely calm. Think this is what I'm really supposed to be like generally :)
Wednesday 07/04
Good day. My psychiatrist and CB therapist can't get enough of me, apparently I don't fit any of their books. Cool. Don't want to be "placed". I know most people get puzzled when they speak to me, but to completely mystify trained professionals within 15 minutes is quite strange. And I find them both very capable. I seem to be one of the few persons who has got it all down to nature, there's not much (if anything) in nurture that can explain it. One of nature's freaks, I suppose. So, no cure readily available. But f*** that, I won't give up!
Wednesday 07/04
This is what bipolar is all about. High, can walk on water, all my plans and projects will come to fruition. Unlimited knowledge. And I am of course irresistible to anyone! Of course, I'm restless as hell and literally shaking.
Wednesday 07/04
The past is stale. The present is life. The future doesn't exist. I will therefore attempt to forget the past, and not worry too much about what the future will bring, as I'll otherwise be wasting my current life.
Update Tuesday 06/03 20:11
Was feeling worthless, despair came knocking again. Printed out this journal, read it and thought “Bring it on. I’m better. Smarter. Nicer.” Powerful stuff, this! 3 happy thoughts:
1. I expected reading the journal would help, and it did
2. Discovered how much I actually enjoy writing
3. Told myself I didn’t need any alcohol today, and prevailed, because I had it as a set goal
1. I expected reading the journal would help, and it did
2. Discovered how much I actually enjoy writing
3. Told myself I didn’t need any alcohol today, and prevailed, because I had it as a set goal
Religion is not really my cup of tea. Telling masses of people what to believe, instead of furthering individuality may have served a purpose before facebook, not so much now. However, it’s been around for so long that its staying power can’t be questioned. And some things just haven’t changed. What I suffer from is a combination of some of humanity’s worst and best traits, so thought it might be interesting to hold up this to the 7 deadly sins and virtues. Interestingly, this ancient scripture is significantly more relevant than the “New 7 Sins”, which include genetic manipulation and selling drugs. Not guilty!!!
7 Deadly Sins:
Envy: My jealousy is huge. I will put that here, in the way that I’m envious that some else is having the attention I want
Gluttony: I suppose the occasional binge-drinking session
Greed: No. Just the desire to be happy. Suppose to an extent by seeking acceptance (status, po...wer), because I’m so insecure
Lust: No. Unless you describe my tendency to focus on the outside rather than the inside initially is lustful?
Pride: Certainly not, on the contrary.
Sloth: Failure to utilise one's talents and gifts? Describes me very well
Wrath: Got a burning fire inside me which I can’t control
7 Virtues:
Kindness: Can be very kind, and go out of my way to help people. Especially friends.
Temperance: No. I’m either on full blaze or nearly extinguished. Moderation doesn’t apply to me.
Charity: In its original meaning, no: “unlimited loving-kindness toward all others.” I deliberately avoid certain people.
Chasti...ty: Not so much, but improved significantly since split with ex-fiancé 6 years ago
Humility: I think so
Diligence: Not at all. Unfortunately.
Patience: Certainly not, nearly non-existent
7 Deadly Sins:
Envy: My jealousy is huge. I will put that here, in the way that I’m envious that some else is having the attention I want
Gluttony: I suppose the occasional binge-drinking session
Greed: No. Just the desire to be happy. Suppose to an extent by seeking acceptance (status, po...wer), because I’m so insecure
Lust: No. Unless you describe my tendency to focus on the outside rather than the inside initially is lustful?
Pride: Certainly not, on the contrary.
Sloth: Failure to utilise one's talents and gifts? Describes me very well
Wrath: Got a burning fire inside me which I can’t control
7 Virtues:
Kindness: Can be very kind, and go out of my way to help people. Especially friends.
Temperance: No. I’m either on full blaze or nearly extinguished. Moderation doesn’t apply to me.
Charity: In its original meaning, no: “unlimited loving-kindness toward all others.” I deliberately avoid certain people.
Chasti...ty: Not so much, but improved significantly since split with ex-fiancé 6 years ago
Humility: I think so
Diligence: Not at all. Unfortunately.
Patience: Certainly not, nearly non-existent
Tuesday 06/03
Mediocrity. The scariest word in my world. I can’t be in a reasonably paid job, be married to a loving reasonable woman, drive a Vauxhall or anything like that. Inferiority complex? Have something to prove? Yes.
I also got the impression from my psychiatrist that I’m a bit of a special case. I have supportive friends and family. Got money. I’m smart. Sense of humour. I could be a lot uglier. She even said charming and pleasant, which made me blush a wee bit… So got everything going for me, really. It takes someone immensely strong (yes, me) to undermine that framework. So she’s really curious, and can’t wait to speak to me again. Either that, or she was flirting . Just kidding, she’s very professional and sharp. Made her laugh when she suggested changing my anti-depressants. I exclaimed “No way, I don’t want to be depressed. I want to be bipolar, much more fun!!!”
All this leads back to my theory that it’s mainly down to nature. I have to teach this old dog some new tricks, set some aims, which also corresponds with what my CBT is telling me. Easy ones first:
•Cut down on alcohol. Not a huge issue. I do drink more than I’m supposed to, but not a huge amount. Just do it every day. So, from now on, no alcohol Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays!
•Arrange an expedition. Always look at things I’d like to do, but never get done. Coast to coast in Scotland in September is the early front-runner. Mont Blanc to follow next year.
•Pay off unpaid bills. Huge problem for someone like me, I don’t find such issues important, and therefore ignore them….
•Stick rigidly to my new medication plan, starting today
•Find and start at least one new hobby before moving to Exeter
I also got the impression from my psychiatrist that I’m a bit of a special case. I have supportive friends and family. Got money. I’m smart. Sense of humour. I could be a lot uglier. She even said charming and pleasant, which made me blush a wee bit… So got everything going for me, really. It takes someone immensely strong (yes, me) to undermine that framework. So she’s really curious, and can’t wait to speak to me again. Either that, or she was flirting . Just kidding, she’s very professional and sharp. Made her laugh when she suggested changing my anti-depressants. I exclaimed “No way, I don’t want to be depressed. I want to be bipolar, much more fun!!!”
All this leads back to my theory that it’s mainly down to nature. I have to teach this old dog some new tricks, set some aims, which also corresponds with what my CBT is telling me. Easy ones first:
•Cut down on alcohol. Not a huge issue. I do drink more than I’m supposed to, but not a huge amount. Just do it every day. So, from now on, no alcohol Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays!
•Arrange an expedition. Always look at things I’d like to do, but never get done. Coast to coast in Scotland in September is the early front-runner. Mont Blanc to follow next year.
•Pay off unpaid bills. Huge problem for someone like me, I don’t find such issues important, and therefore ignore them….
•Stick rigidly to my new medication plan, starting today
•Find and start at least one new hobby before moving to Exeter
Monday 05/03
Since I started this journal online, I’ve had 5 friends and counting who have come forward to talk about their quite serious mental problems. Fascinating how little we notice!
Monday 05/03
Ok, so have now found the roots of the problems, so the war begins :). Never go to war without a good battle plan! And there are some people around me - you know who you are - who have been absolute stars. I won't forget
Monday 05/03
Is it possible that I might have embraced my condition a bit too much? Wanting to be different and all that, which is what keeps up my madness levels? Writing here is addictive, the more drugs the better, therapy all the time. I have always had a rule not to use BPD as an excuse. But if I don't want to get cured, it gets very hard to follow that rule. I previously said that "Love that people can see the fun in bipolar. Support groups are depressing! Bipolar isn't easy, but what a f****** ride :)". Clinical depression you want to get out of. Broken bones you want to have fixed. Psychosis you want to get treated for (because it is extremely scary to yourself). But get this - bipolar is ADDICTIVE!!! Which is why it's so difficult to
treat. Keep saying to my shrinks, friends and family I want to get sorted, but probably don't believe it. This makes sense of everything!
Explains why I’m never happy with what I got, want something better. And it has to be better!
Explains why I don’t really want to be too successful or motivated, I need the crashes to get the euphoria
Explains why I want to punish myself
Explains why I’m always looking for trouble
Explains the recurring breakdowns after stopping meds and therapy
Explains why I can’t enjoy the present, always looking for the next “fix”
Explains why I’m flattered when people say “you’re crazy”
Explains why I’m making such a big deal out of it and seeking attention in any way, shape or form. By publishing this, by fighting people, etc.
I think this journal has made me realise I’m in a much worse state than I thought, and scarily, I’m proud of it…
treat. Keep saying to my shrinks, friends and family I want to get sorted, but probably don't believe it. This makes sense of everything!
Explains why I’m never happy with what I got, want something better. And it has to be better!
Explains why I don’t really want to be too successful or motivated, I need the crashes to get the euphoria
Explains why I want to punish myself
Explains why I’m always looking for trouble
Explains the recurring breakdowns after stopping meds and therapy
Explains why I can’t enjoy the present, always looking for the next “fix”
Explains why I’m flattered when people say “you’re crazy”
Explains why I’m making such a big deal out of it and seeking attention in any way, shape or form. By publishing this, by fighting people, etc.
I think this journal has made me realise I’m in a much worse state than I thought, and scarily, I’m proud of it…
Monday 05/03
Want to cut all ties and hit the road. I just might disappear, and roam the roads of Britain for a while. Has a certain freedom and appeal to it, and might be what this restless soul needs.... But going to see kids first, so won't be for another couple of weeks. Then I can really spend all my time w(a/o)ndering. Sorry, crap joke :)
Monday 05/03
2 psychiatrists. 2 therapists. Shedloads of drugs. 4,000 words written here. Not yet a match for my issues. Despair is far too strong, and controls me. Moving on doesn't seem to be an option, I'm stuck. With regards to everything. But let's look at the positives - if I were running at 100% and were evil, the world wouldn't have a chance! What I'm trying to say is there's immense strength and power locked up in me, but it’s currently only used to put myself down. Therapy and drugs can make me temporarily better. But I don't really believe I'll ever be the person I want to be.
I can understand why suicide is such an attractive option for many sufferers, but strangely that has never appealed to me. Fly for 10 seconds, and all your problems are gone forever. But that'd be too easy. And selfish. It’d be punishing others, when it’s myself I want to punish. I never choose the easy route, which is the best explanation I can find.... But deep down I also know I want to live.
I can understand why suicide is such an attractive option for many sufferers, but strangely that has never appealed to me. Fly for 10 seconds, and all your problems are gone forever. But that'd be too easy. And selfish. It’d be punishing others, when it’s myself I want to punish. I never choose the easy route, which is the best explanation I can find.... But deep down I also know I want to live.
Sunday 04/03
Well, Simon Crow is always here to tell me good stories about me. Feel better now, and
think I've left that girl behind once and for all. And made peace with most of the "adversaries" from last night. Neither is meant in a derogatory manner, good for all of us
think I've left that girl behind once and for all. And made peace with most of the "adversaries" from last night. Neither is meant in a derogatory manner, good for all of us
Sunday 04/03
My 3 happy things. As they are.
1. Realised that it may be the case that I'm not always to blame.
2. Didn't get arrested.....
3. Don't fucking know
1. Realised that it may be the case that I'm not always to blame.
2. Didn't get arrested.....
3. Don't fucking know
Sunday 04/03
Complete meltdown. No comments. Theory - the reason I'm so self-critical and fault-finding is probably because it seems the easier option. Imagine a scenario where someone upsets me. If I'm to blame, they're still ok and do like me. If they're to blame, they don't like me at all. So I eventually take most blame on my shoulders, because I want to see the best in some people. And destroy myself in the process! I'm scared of saying "well, actually you're wrong". Not at the time, mind, I'll happily jump to all sorts of conclusions. But when I think it over afterwards, my thoughts nearly always benefit the other part(s).
Saturday 03/03
OK, as I will do, 3 good points about today.... Hasn't been a bad day really! If anyone at Newton Abbot KB reads this, really like you guys!
1. The friends I doubted yesterday (well, my other half have been doubting) have been great. I really had no reason to doubt them, but it still feels good to not doubt you. If that... makes sense.....
2. Met my ex, she was smiling - so think we're still friends
3. Gave her my jumper, so I was bloody freezing - and refused to take it
back. Think I'm a gentleman deep down - blue fingers are temporary...... If you don't get along as partners, there was something there that conntected us in the first place. So hope we'll be good friends.
4. Outdrunk Steve..... Christ, he'll be in trouble tomorrow....
And I guess starting up 2 new companies in 2 years is 2 more than the majority. I'm good. Just need to control it.
1. The friends I doubted yesterday (well, my other half have been doubting) have been great. I really had no reason to doubt them, but it still feels good to not doubt you. If that... makes sense.....
2. Met my ex, she was smiling - so think we're still friends
3. Gave her my jumper, so I was bloody freezing - and refused to take it
back. Think I'm a gentleman deep down - blue fingers are temporary...... If you don't get along as partners, there was something there that conntected us in the first place. So hope we'll be good friends.
4. Outdrunk Steve..... Christ, he'll be in trouble tomorrow....
And I guess starting up 2 new companies in 2 years is 2 more than the majority. I'm good. Just need to control it.
Friday 02/04
Joined Facebook group“Bipolar Badge of Honour”, a group to set up to look at the lighter and more positive side of this condition. My initial comment: “Love that people can see the fun in bipolar. Support groups are depressing! Bipolar isn't easy, but what a f****** ride :)”.
Also, a recent study has shown that 46% of “sufferers” wouldn’t have the disorder taken away if they could. How many were asked whilst hyper, I don’t know, but the positive side-effects of bipolar are many. Heightened intelligence, alertness, bravery, passion, standing out from the crowd, commitment, lack of modern financial constraints and DDA benefits. To mention a few. It has been said that if we all got together, with our resources and intelligence, we’d rule the world. But that’s the best thing. We don’t want to!
Whether bipolar or my side effects came first is completely irrelevant, they came together!!! Why all this talk about negative side effects? I must admit I’m somewhat hyper now, so COMPLETELY biased. But next time I’m down, I’ll look at this and smile.
Also, a recent study has shown that 46% of “sufferers” wouldn’t have the disorder taken away if they could. How many were asked whilst hyper, I don’t know, but the positive side-effects of bipolar are many. Heightened intelligence, alertness, bravery, passion, standing out from the crowd, commitment, lack of modern financial constraints and DDA benefits. To mention a few. It has been said that if we all got together, with our resources and intelligence, we’d rule the world. But that’s the best thing. We don’t want to!
Whether bipolar or my side effects came first is completely irrelevant, they came together!!! Why all this talk about negative side effects? I must admit I’m somewhat hyper now, so COMPLETELY biased. But next time I’m down, I’ll look at this and smile.
Thursday 01/04
So, things are looking up, my life is getting sorted, I’m getting the right treatment and so on. Must be about time to self-destruct, then….
Had a sudden urge to get angry and drink copious amounts of alcohol. Looking at job descriptions and thinking “hold on, I’m not good enough for this”. Think about all the things that can go wrong, instead of all the things that can go right. Doubt many of my friends, as some of them are also friends with my ex (all members of the same club). Can I trust them? Despite having no reason to, as she and I get along fine (to my knowledge). Paranoia again. But it is present, and bringing me down.
Been challenged by my CBT to have a look at “Laws of Attraction”, basically stipulating that if you expect something to be good, it will be. So if I dread doing ironing (and I do!), then convince myself it’s great, it will be. So have to write down 3 good things every day, no matter how minor….. Eventually that should lead me to appreciate more things and be happier?
1.Proved organisational skills by getting all the necessary paperwork to the estate agent, so have agreed on moving in date
2.Proved I could exercise despite wanting to drown my sorrows in drink
3.Said exercise was enough to stop me reaching for the bottle, and I did expect that. Ok, so I still had nearly a bottle of wine, but considering where I was heading, that’s saintly!
4.Followed my other counsellor’s advice to talk to people, even if I find them boring. Just to make me less reserved. Yes, I still find them boring, but I overcame an obstacle.
Had a sudden urge to get angry and drink copious amounts of alcohol. Looking at job descriptions and thinking “hold on, I’m not good enough for this”. Think about all the things that can go wrong, instead of all the things that can go right. Doubt many of my friends, as some of them are also friends with my ex (all members of the same club). Can I trust them? Despite having no reason to, as she and I get along fine (to my knowledge). Paranoia again. But it is present, and bringing me down.
Been challenged by my CBT to have a look at “Laws of Attraction”, basically stipulating that if you expect something to be good, it will be. So if I dread doing ironing (and I do!), then convince myself it’s great, it will be. So have to write down 3 good things every day, no matter how minor….. Eventually that should lead me to appreciate more things and be happier?
1.Proved organisational skills by getting all the necessary paperwork to the estate agent, so have agreed on moving in date
2.Proved I could exercise despite wanting to drown my sorrows in drink
3.Said exercise was enough to stop me reaching for the bottle, and I did expect that. Ok, so I still had nearly a bottle of wine, but considering where I was heading, that’s saintly!
4.Followed my other counsellor’s advice to talk to people, even if I find them boring. Just to make me less reserved. Yes, I still find them boring, but I overcame an obstacle.
Wednesday 31/03
So, altogether a pretty decent day. I still have the constant oppression that I am not popular or deserving, and when I do my usual kb, I think people tolerate me rather than like me. However, what I have learnt is that I'm probably easier to like (once you get past the initial signs of arrogance) than to tolerate. If that makes sense. I can literally feel my paranoia levels sinking, and start believing compliments. My confidence is still low, and I still want to show off in training, but hopefully that's just a matter of time. Always found it funny that the less confident I am the more arrogant / unapproachable I get.
Wednesday 31/03
And I just got called for another job interview. 4 weeks ago this did NOT seem possible
Wednesday 31/03
Today has been pretty good so far, had some interesting talks with sales people, and feel I've actually achieved something for work. Still looking for other job, though, and suddenly realised I qualify for "Guaranteed Interview Scheme", part of Disabilities Discrimination Act. Basically, if I fulfil their criteria, I'm guaranteed an interview. Which may seem like cheating. But I don't think it is - someone like me always stumbles at the first hurdle, despite being well capable of doing a great job. Provided as my condition is understood (like "no, there's nothing wrong, just like staring aimlessly at the computer screen for 5 hours straight" or "Yeah, I always feel hyper and do 5 days work in one"). And I have to face it, I've got an invisible disability.
Wednesday 31/03
Everybody thinks I’m strong because I’m physically fit, can do loads of press-ups, extreme sports, be angry and revel in my craziness. I never show feelings in public - but I’m not strong. All a façade to hide the real weak me?
But I’m not really weak; I’m compassionate (and passionate), intelligent, loyal, brave and honest. And angry. And insecure. I'm learning, though....
But I’m not really weak; I’m compassionate (and passionate), intelligent, loyal, brave and honest. And angry. And insecure. I'm learning, though....
Tuesday 30/03
So.... Sudden thought whilst writing the facts below - how does psychosis link with my belief of not being good enough and general sense of paranoia? Definitely interlinked, even if I only very rarely suffer psychotic episodes. The one I do remember nearly scared me to death. Still freaks me out looking back.
"Psychosis may involve delusional beliefs, some of which are paranoid in nature. Primary delusions are defined as arising suddenly and not being comprehensible in terms of normal mental processes".
It's there in the background, adding to my thoughts. So not a full blown psycho, but like many other mental health patients, there is a lot more than a simple diagnosis of bipolar!
"Psychosis may involve delusional beliefs, some of which are paranoid in nature. Primary delusions are defined as arising suddenly and not being comprehensible in terms of normal mental processes".
It's there in the background, adding to my thoughts. So not a full blown psycho, but like many other mental health patients, there is a lot more than a simple diagnosis of bipolar!
Tuesday 30/03
Just some facts:
-Bipolar Disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. PET (positron emission tomography) scans taken during depressed and manic states display the level of glucose consumed in the brain, and increased glucose consumption corresponds to increased brain activity. During manic states, consumption levels are outrageously high, but the scans of the depressed brain show only faint blips of consumption.
-If left untreated, one in seven sufferers commits suicide.
-Psychotic episodes (losing touch with reality, questioning your existence etc.) is prevalent amongst sufferers.
-Bipolar disorder is genetic. So, basically I can't help it - which is NOT the same as saying I won't take responsibility for my actions!
-There is no cure, only continued therapy and drugs will help.
-It takes an average of 10 years to get a proper diagnosis.
-A child with one parent diagnosed with bipolar disorder has a 15 to 30% risk of also having bipolar disorder. When both parents have bipolar disorder, the risk increases to 50 to 75%
-Bipolar Disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. PET (positron emission tomography) scans taken during depressed and manic states display the level of glucose consumed in the brain, and increased glucose consumption corresponds to increased brain activity. During manic states, consumption levels are outrageously high, but the scans of the depressed brain show only faint blips of consumption.
-If left untreated, one in seven sufferers commits suicide.
-Psychotic episodes (losing touch with reality, questioning your existence etc.) is prevalent amongst sufferers.
-Bipolar disorder is genetic. So, basically I can't help it - which is NOT the same as saying I won't take responsibility for my actions!
-There is no cure, only continued therapy and drugs will help.
-It takes an average of 10 years to get a proper diagnosis.
-A child with one parent diagnosed with bipolar disorder has a 15 to 30% risk of also having bipolar disorder. When both parents have bipolar disorder, the risk increases to 50 to 75%
Tuesday 30/03
Non-eventful day. A bit tired, but not in a depressed way, just physical. The price I have to pay for stability.
Monday 29/03
Monday 29/03
Another journey of self discovery at the counsellor. As previously mentioned, I can't cope with being ignored. I then believe that it's because I'm not interesting enough. This largely explains my competitive instinct, as I want to get noticed. I seek attention to make up for it. Whether it be locking the teacher out the classroom (that was funny, mind), jumping off a cliff or beating everybody at press-ups, every part of my life is a competition. I want people to know I'm crazy, it sets me apart. These are easily achievable goals, being good at my education or career (yeah, done ok, but could do a lot better) are longer term benefits I am still unable to pursue. I want instant gratification. Sadly, being the best is never enough, because I'm competing against myself, whom I'll never beat.... I have to realise that who I am may be flawed, but can be adjusted to make the "good" side stronger. I will never be a particularly easy-going person, but allowing myself to fail is necessary.
Another journey of self discovery at the counsellor. As previously mentioned, I can't cope with being ignored. I then believe that it's because I'm not interesting enough. This largely explains my competitive instinct, as I want to get noticed. I seek attention to make up for it. Whether it be locking the teacher out the classroom (that was funny, mind), jumping off a cliff or beating everybody at press-ups, every part of my life is a competition. I want people to know I'm crazy, it sets me apart. These are easily achievable goals, being good at my education or career (yeah, done ok, but could do a lot better) are longer term benefits I am still unable to pursue. I want instant gratification. Sadly, being the best is never enough, because I'm competing against myself, whom I'll never beat.... I have to realise that who I am may be flawed, but can be adjusted to make the "good" side stronger. I will never be a particularly easy-going person, but allowing myself to fail is necessary.
Sunday 28/03
Had a good evening, kickboxing nearly always brings a smile to my face. Especially when we have a pint afterwards, that's the sort of socialising I've been missing most of my life. Which probably accounts for some of my lack of social skills? Despite being somewhat hyper today, I can feel the mood swings have settled a... lot. Meds are starting to take effect and this blog continues to be a great relief. Being open and social seems to be a learnable activity, is all it needs is this, should have started it 30 years ago. But I mustn't ruminate the past!
Saturday 27/03
Haha, welcome back instant mood swings :). Happy just now after a frustrating day. A good talk or a minor event triggers it. Both ways. Still, while the swings are there, they are SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than when this page started.
Saturday 27/03
Saturday 27/03
Feel somewhat surplus to requirements at work. Having a wedding, but everybody seems to know what they're doing, so feel I'm just in the way. That's one of the major issues to be solved, job satisfaction, and it certainly won't be here. Just not very good at it, and even worse, not very interested either. Somebody take... me away. Just now. Feel like putting my fist through this screen. Still got huge problems focusing on anything.
Probably need to curb my aggression even more, have been responsible for nosebleed, a black eye and a chipped tooth in kickboxing this week. Not out of anger, I just get hyped up.
Feel somewhat surplus to requirements at work. Having a wedding, but everybody seems to know what they're doing, so feel I'm just in the way. That's one of the major issues to be solved, job satisfaction, and it certainly won't be here. Just not very good at it, and even worse, not very interested either. Somebody take... me away. Just now. Feel like putting my fist through this screen. Still got huge problems focusing on anything.
Probably need to curb my aggression even more, have been responsible for nosebleed, a black eye and a chipped tooth in kickboxing this week. Not out of anger, I just get hyped up.
Friday 26/03
Strange day, but not too bad. Haven't got anything philosophical to share today, but hey...
Friday 26/03
Restless and agitated. Unable to focus or sit still. Can't even gather my thoughts to write here, so a wee short message for now
Friday 26/03
Sigh of relief - depression got tackled for now, and less hyper as well. Which my shrink says is a good thing :)
Thursday 25/03
Heading for a depression – but I can see it coming. Which is good. Just started thing what’s important to achieve in my life. Happiness. Children. Friends. Job satisfaction. Relationship with a pretty and nice woman. But again, until I learn appreciating things, I could date Cheryl Cole and still wanting someone else….. Think I can’t achieve all goals, if any, so despair creeping in. But this time I’m ready, it needs to be annihilated. The despair, that is, not me!
Thursday 25/03
Throughout my life I have been scared of making a fool of myself or not be respected. The worst that can happen is when I try to contribute, and am ignored. Shatters my confidence every time. Which also explain some weird behaviour to this day, as when I feel someone isn’t paying me enough attention, I get angry. It can destroy a good night out, and make me irate with good friends. It also triggers a desire to want to be liked, one of jealousy, as in why is that person getting the attention. Which makes me hate myself as well, and want to be a different person. All that combined is an explosive combination. Most of my issues are down to my brain not functioning quite as it should. I’m a strong believer in nature, but nurture does influence as well. If someone who’s naturally insecure has two older sisters who were more sensible than me – I would find it difficult to overcome. If they were right anyway, why should I bother improving? Same in school – if at first you don’t succeed, it’s obviously too hard. If I try and fail, the condition will worsen. These are two potential triggers which left untreated have developed into full on depression, social desperation, and bipolar disorder. I am sure there are more factors contributing, but minor events in life can have far reaching effects.
Wednesday 24/03
Bit tired, but reckon 4 hours sleep should be enough.... Initial reactions to this experiment have been very good, people commenting on how brave it is and how things all of a sudden make sense. But I knew that would happen. More interesting are the things I hear from people I consider friends, but just never talked to about these sorts of things. As a direct result some have started open up themselves towards me about their mental issues. So that's good. On the other hand 1 certain individual removed me from her friends list yesterday. Had been chatting to her, exchanged phone numbers, that sort of thing, when I befriended her on Facebook. That seemed to end our conversations. Good thing it did, you get a better idea of whom to trust. Not angry with her, 9 out of 10 girls would probably run away screaming reading this. There's a reason us guys have a reputation of dishonesty, truth isn't always that pretty.
Tuesday 23/03
Moving to Devon has been good for me. For the first time in many years I've got real friends, hobbies I enjoy, and even managed a relationship for the first time in 6 years. Ok, "managed" is probably the wrong word, as I cocked it up within 2 months, but thanks to this and her I'm probably less than a commitophobe than I was before. I'd say my life is objectively better. That my condition has taken a turn for the worse is unfortunate, but I feel more capable of coping with it than I would otherwise.
Tuesday 23/03
Another sleepless night, so a bit jittery today. Makes my life more interesting, but suppose it can get annoying that I suddenly start singing Christmas carols in March??? One assumption people always make about me is that I'm to the point, straight-forward, honest and that sort of thing. However, behind all that my mind is working overtime to make me complicated. Funny how one who is so "simple" to the people that don't know him is the complete opposite. I guess describing me as principled makes more sense?
Monday 22/03
Unable to sleep (not unusual), so playing with images of myself. See profile pic for questionable result... Also spending far too much time on Google Analytics (yes, you read that right!) At least it distracts my thinking. Still convinced I'm wasting my life, and could do so much more. Need a guiding light. A new career won't change this, as long as I self-destruct. Arrogantly think I'm better than at least 90% of the world, if I could only make use of myself and my 133-162 IQ points (depending on the test)..... But being good at solving puzzles is unfortunately not the road to happiness. Quite the contrary when your brain refuses to switch off!
Monday 22/03
Been busy all day, and went mountain biking. The adrenaline rush of going down a rocky step at 200mph (or thereabouts) is fantastic. Appreciate the support I've got from friends and family for writing this blog of destruction. Thanks, love you guys - even if I don't show it
Sunday 21/03
Not too bad - had a decent night out, just kept it on the right side of hangover! Moving house tomorrow, but is blissfully ignorant of getting packed. Will have a busy day tomorrow. Keep thinking how to apply myself successfully in life, not much nearer an answer. Maybe later? Mood swings still very easily triggered.
Saturday 20/03
Decent start to the day - energy levels up, mood a bit better (for now) and want to write here again. Not just because I must, beacause I can! Brain and body slightly in sync again. Next subject.... How to let go, and not ruminate the past. In this scenario, how do you stop being in love with someone who probably is no longer in love with you (still friendly, but not quite the same). Tough one to crack, the risk is going skirt-chasing in the remote hope miss right is next. Which is not very satisfying. Or my desire. Or will make me forget anything. No solution yet, will again find my Buddhist books for inspiration on how to live in the present, not past or future. They helped last time
Friday 19/03
Nearly completely crap day. Couldn’t get out of bed till 5pm, and then only thanks to taekwondo. Exercise always gets me going, but today my mind couldn't convince my body to leave bed. Not that I was tired, just couldn't face the world... Paralysing myself. Hate it.
Thursday 18/03
Tired. Annoyed. Frustrated. Depressed. Lonely. Stuck on the same few unhelpful thoughts going on a loop. Makes it all worse than it should be. Can't really be arsed writing this, but am forcing myself. Will probably appreciate it tomorrow
Thursday 18/03
As I said previously, still a long way to go. Drugs are slowing me down and making me very tired. Minor incidents can colour far too much (as they just have). And I'm talking really minor, that's all it takes to derail the positive thoughts, and start delving into the past again. Grrrr!!!! Not nearly as bad as it was 2-3 weeks ago, this is a good sign, though. But I'm once again scared and excited of myself and what I might get up to
Thursday 18/03
Slowly putting the jigsaw of my life together. Amazing how seemingly completely different events and personality traits can have the same cause. For instance, I can be extremely driven and competitive, whilst at the same time be destitute and lack motivation. For someone like me, lacking in confidence and self-belief, there is a need to feel be admired / respected / loved. Therefore, I need to do amazing things like curing cancer (unlikely, as I’m not a doctor), build a whisky distillery (got a detailed business plan and half the funding, but eventually realised I was on a road to nowhere) or climb 30 miles across the Cairngorms in a blizzard (did it, highly irresponsible, but exciting). Daily tasks (like, say, paying tax, or doing your work properly) become irrelevant. Also, BPD is like drug abuse. When you’re low, you can’t wait to get high, and when you’re high, you want to get even higher. Therefore one can never be satisfied with the current situation. A bit like buying a new car, and wanting a newer one after 3 months. Just worse, because it goes for relationships as well. So the amazing things I can do are all for nothing as well. Which means I can never be happy, until expectations are adjusted. A bit of self-analysis there, think I'm confusing my therapists with my knowledge and discussing, well, life philosophy. Together, we shall work it out
Thursday 18/03
Morning log-on. Feel pretty decent, just about to see my Therapist, who should hopefully have an idea what he's dealing with now? He seems good, so looking forward to it.
Wednesday 17/03
Ok, first real entry. My last breakdown just over 3 weeks ago was a real eye opener. I realised how something very valuable was thrown away due to, well, not stupidity, more like a desire to make things difficult. I will not go into details, but the blessing and curse with BPD is that most people don't notice it until it's too late. So you can seem quite normal (if somewhat edgy and wired) to most of the population, whilst driving those close to you absolutely insane. However, I now already feel a lot better, as I immediately went to the GP and got new medication whilst being referred to a psychiatrist and therapist. Still early days, but the relief of talking to someone who knows about it is immediate.
Ok, first real entry. My last breakdown just over 3 weeks ago was a real eye opener. I realised how something very valuable was thrown away due to, well, not stupidity, more like a desire to make things difficult. I will not go into details, but the blessing and curse with BPD is that most people don't notice it until it's too late. So you can seem quite normal (if somewhat edgy and wired) to most of the population, whilst driving those close to you absolutely insane. However, I now already feel a lot better, as I immediately went to the GP and got new medication whilst being referred to a psychiatrist and therapist. Still early days, but the relief of talking to someone who knows about it is immediate.
Short intro to this: Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, as part of a recovery process after several severe breakdowns over the last 5 years, will from now on log details here. Of course, being human I've got several traits that don't help the condition, in particular constant brain activity (not good when the thoughts are like mine....), paranoia, jealousy, aggression, shyness, lack of motivation and a general lack of confidence. They all feed into my mental state, so when something good happens, I usually decide to self-destruct by being negative. I can be very fragile, and I now (at the age of 33), have had enough, so will do everything in my power to be a stronger person. This blog should both help me to see and anticipate mood swings, analyse my behaviour and to look at how well I'm progressing. Furthermore, who knows, I might be well recovered in a few months, at which point it would be a very interesting document to look back on. Doing it online is very deliberate, I've decided being open about it is the best way forwar!
Intro
Ok, this blog was actually started on Facebook, so what I post goes back to 17th March. All this didn't happen in one go!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
