Thursday 18/03

Slowly putting the jigsaw of my life together. Amazing how seemingly completely different events and personality traits can have the same cause. For instance, I can be extremely driven and competitive, whilst at the same time be destitute and lack motivation. For someone like me, lacking in confidence and self-belief, there is a need to feel be admired / respected / loved. Therefore, I need to do amazing things like curing cancer (unlikely, as I’m not a doctor), build a whisky distillery (got a detailed business plan and half the funding, but eventually realised I was on a road to nowhere) or climb 30 miles across the Cairngorms in a blizzard (did it, highly irresponsible, but exciting). Daily tasks (like, say, paying tax, or doing your work properly) become irrelevant. Also, BPD is like drug abuse. When you’re low, you can’t wait to get high, and when you’re high, you want to get even higher. Therefore one can never be satisfied with the current situation. A bit like buying a new car, and wanting a newer one after 3 months. Just worse, because it goes for relationships as well. So the amazing things I can do are all for nothing as well. Which means I can never be happy, until expectations are adjusted. A bit of self-analysis there, think I'm confusing my therapists with my knowledge and discussing, well, life philosophy. Together, we shall work it out