Monday 05/03

2 psychiatrists. 2 therapists. Shedloads of drugs. 4,000 words written here. Not yet a match for my issues. Despair is far too strong, and controls me. Moving on doesn't seem to be an option, I'm stuck. With regards to everything. But let's look at the positives - if I were running at 100% and were evil, the world wouldn't have a chance! What I'm trying to say is there's immense strength and power locked up in me, but it’s currently only used to put myself down. Therapy and drugs can make me temporarily better. But I don't really believe I'll ever be the person I want to be.
I can understand why suicide is such an attractive option for many sufferers, but strangely that has never appealed to me. Fly for 10 seconds, and all your problems are gone forever. But that'd be too easy. And selfish. It’d be punishing others, when it’s myself I want to punish. I never choose the easy route, which is the best explanation I can find.... But deep down I also know I want to live.