Thursday 25/03

Throughout my life I have been scared of making a fool of myself or not be respected. The worst that can happen is when I try to contribute, and am ignored. Shatters my confidence every time. Which also explain some weird behaviour to this day, as when I feel someone isn’t paying me enough attention, I get angry. It can destroy a good night out, and make me irate with good friends. It also triggers a desire to want to be liked, one of jealousy, as in why is that person getting the attention. Which makes me hate myself as well, and want to be a different person. All that combined is an explosive combination. Most of my issues are down to my brain not functioning quite as it should. I’m a strong believer in nature, but nurture does influence as well. If someone who’s naturally insecure has two older sisters who were more sensible than me – I would find it difficult to overcome. If they were right anyway, why should I bother improving? Same in school – if at first you don’t succeed, it’s obviously too hard. If I try and fail, the condition will worsen. These are two potential triggers which left untreated have developed into full on depression, social desperation, and bipolar disorder. I am sure there are more factors contributing, but minor events in life can have far reaching effects.