Monday 05/03

Is it possible that I might have embraced my condition a bit too much? Wanting to be different and all that, which is what keeps up my madness levels? Writing here is addictive, the more drugs the better, therapy all the time. I have always had a rule not to use BPD as an excuse. But if I don't want to get cured, it gets very hard to follow that rule. I previously said that "Love that people can see the fun in bipolar. Support groups are depressing! Bipolar isn't easy, but what a f****** ride :)". Clinical depression you want to get out of. Broken bones you want to have fixed. Psychosis you want to get treated for (because it is extremely scary to yourself). But get this - bipolar is ADDICTIVE!!! Which is why it's so difficult to
treat. Keep saying to my shrinks, friends and family I want to get sorted, but probably don't believe it. This makes sense of everything!
Explains why I’m never happy with what I got, want something better. And it has to be better!
Explains why I don’t really want to be too successful or motivated, I need the crashes to get the euphoria
Explains why I want to punish myself
Explains why I’m always looking for trouble
Explains the recurring breakdowns after stopping meds and therapy
Explains why I can’t enjoy the present, always looking for the next “fix”
Explains why I’m flattered when people say “you’re crazy”
Explains why I’m making such a big deal out of it and seeking attention in any way, shape or form. By publishing this, by fighting people, etc.
I think this journal has made me realise I’m in a much worse state than I thought, and scarily, I’m proud of it…